Recently on another HIV+ gay men Internet social site, an older HIV POZ gay man posted something in a forum that caught my eye: “Gay men can be so mean to me and hateful to each other. I hate being gay…been in three long term gay relationships and hated all of it and I was never faithful. I hate gay bars but find myself in them all the time. That’s how I got HIV. I no longer like the gay culture. I’m not self loathing because I really do love myself. I’m not sure what I should do anymore. Maybe I should go straight.”
I made a simple comment to his post saying that going straight was not the solution since it has nothing to with being gay and that he might consider doing a self inventory. Others commented to his post with this: “Heal yourself and get to know who you are…break away from bars and sex, search your soul, get centered, rid yourself of old baggage, seek professional counseling…hopefully you can clear your head and have a fresh new outlook of your life…you’ll know who you really are…once you do all that you can begin a new loving relationship with yourself and others, gay or straight.” Others weren’t so nice with their comments, a couple were downright hateful and mean, but people can be that way, gay and straight. Hateful & mean people come from all walks of Life. Recently I saw a posted quote from a song in one of our own groups. The emphasis placed upon the last few words can be interpreted from one's own POV. I see a lot of love within us all. It's very difficult for anyone to admit to the world his inner soul, particularly what may be perceived as weakness, faults and addictions. Some are beginning to bravely express who they are and how they feel, where they been and where they want to be. In doing so they have gained new strengths, and helped a few others as well by sharing themselves. That is Love - Thank You! (dingo)
“You've got to learn how to let things go, start living without fear, be willing to fall down, there's so much love here.” Jann Arden, Willing to Fall Down
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Be Happy With Yourself and Life in General
Are you unhappy because others label you, leave you out, or put you down? You are made of stronger stuff. You can be happy with whatever life brings you.
Realize that many of the people who pick on you are jealous or feel inferior. What sort of a person would go around trying to pick on every little flaw, just to make you feel bad? Don't let it get you down. Don't retaliate. Just smile, take a calming breath, and walk away.
Think about the idea of karma. What goes around, comes around. Someone might be mean to you, but the bad feeling will find it's way back to them. Keep your own karma in good shape by being kind to others!
Write. Then write some more. Write any worries or negative feelings on a slip of paper, then tear it up and throw it away. You'll feel relieved, and as if you really have thrown your worries in the bin.
Labels are for losers. Hang around with everyone. Try not to give anyone or any group a label. Pretty soon you will realize that labels just give a preconceived notion about someone...not tell you anything about who they really are.
Take care of yourself. Eat and drink what's best for your body. Drink plenty of water and stay away from soda. Eat at least 5 portions of fruits and vegetables a day, and get a good night’s sleep. Wash regularly and take pride in yourself.
Tips
Be careful about how you talk to yourself. Remind yourself that you are an amazing person.
Enjoy your own company. Do things in your spare time that make you happy. If you like being with yourself, chances are others will too. Worrying can't make the matter better. Write out your worries then let them go.
Stop Being a People Pleaser
Do you habitually give in to other people because you just can't stand the thought of upsetting them? Do you put your needs to one side because you get a buzz from someone else's happiness, only to find that he or she is not a bit grateful? If so, you are a classic "people pleaser," and you are, in all probability, not getting what you want out of life. It's time to shift the focus from others to yourself, and stop being a martyr.
Think of five times when you did or said something that did not truly reflect your wants and needs, in order to please someone else. Write them down. For each of these occasions, imagine how you would have handled it differently - to please yourself! What is the worst that could have happened? Write down your worst fears.
Look at your fears. Are they realistic? Are they truly terrible? You might be afraid that no one will like you, that someone will leave you, or that you will be left all alone if you don't say the right thing. That is a prison you have trapped yourself in, and it's time to unlock the doors and walk out! The people around you may be used to your compliance, but if they're not willing to accept that you have your own needs, are they really worth having in your life?
Examine your ability to set limits on others. Examine your boundaries. Where are they? What is acceptable behavior for you and what is unacceptable? Do you tolerate the intolerable? Normalize the abnormal? Accept the unacceptable? Do you know what it feels like to be treated with dignity and respect? Learn how to identify and label unacceptable treatment from others and how to set limits on their behavior when they violate your boundaries.
Consider the source. Many people pleasers were raised in environments wherein their needs and feelings were pushed aside/not considered. Were you always expected to anticipate, and to mold yourself to, everyone else's needs? Did you learn that the only way to receive a positive response was to do what others wanted you to do? If so, here's a newsflash: Not all the world wants a pushover. By focusing on pleasing others, you open yourself up to manipulation and abuse. You will never reach your potential as an individual if you constantly hide behind others' expectations.
Stop basing your self-worth on how much you do for other people. It's noble to want to help others, but it's something you should do because you want to, not because you feel you have to. The greatest acts of kindness are those done by choice, not out of fear or guilt. If you're doing things for others because you would feel bad if you didn't, is the action really genuine? Would you want others to help you under those terms? And, if you're helping others to such an extent that you are neglecting yourself, is that really wise?
Learn how to say "no." Don't make up excuses - give your reasons for not wanting something. So your husband wants his entire family to come to Christmas dinner, and you just can't face it? "I'm sorry darling, I find the pressure of entertaining such a large number of people intolerable." Your best friend wants you to go with her or him to a party that will be full of people that you can't stand? "No thank you, it's just not my scene." Start small - find something small to say "no" to, but say it firmly. Say it politely, but mean it! You'll be surprised; the world will not collapse around your ears! People rarely take offense, and those that do aren't worth pleasing.
Ask for what you want. If everybody's going to the movies, and most people in the group want to see a particular movie, but you'd rather watch something else, speak up! There's nothing wrong with voicing your opinion, and it doesn't have to mean you're making a demand. Simply reminding people that you're an individual with your own preferences is a big step forward. Even asking someone to help you do something will help.
Ultimately, you must remember that no one can read your mind. If you feel that you do so much for others, but they don't do anything for you, maybe it's because you don't express your needs or desires. It's not fair to make people pry an answer from you. If they ask you what you want, or if there's a decision being made, put in your opinion, and let that be that.
Do something for yourself. Do one thing you have been wanting to do, but are afraid someone else will not like. Dye your hair, get that tattoo, get a belly ring, go on holiday....whatever you do, do it for yourself, and practice not worrying what anyone else thinks about it. Don't get caught up in doing things just because no one else wants you to do them. Remember that there ought to be things that you truly want to do for yourself, regardless of what anyone else thinks, not in spite of it. Other people's opinions are a factor in our lives, but they should not be the determining factor.
Compromise. While it's not good to be a pushover, it's no better to be a manipulative bully or a reckless rebel. Don't become totally selfish. In fact, many people pleasers have low self-esteem. So do those who are selfish. It is best to develop good self-care skills, which include healthy assertiveness skills. You can listen to others, but ultimately, what you do is your choice. Keep a balance! Sometimes the needs of other people should come first. Whenever there's a conflict of desires, try to come up with a solution that will meet both desires halfway, or better yet, a "win-win" situation where both sides get even more than they bargained for.
Tips
If you find yourself compromising your own needs, be aware that in the long run you are contradicting your people pleasing. If you don't take care of your needs, you will run out of fuel. You cannot burn all of your "fuel" on others. If you keep yourself up and running by doing what's best for you, then you will have enough "fuel" to do good for others.
Have an affirmation pinned up where you will see it every day. "My needs are just as important as yours."
Understand that kindness does not equate to "people pleasing", nor does unkindness equate to disagreement. It is possible to be both kind and to state your own needs. Don't label your standing up for yourself as being "unkind". It is not.
Anticipate situations where you would normally "people please," by thinking about what you want and rehearsing your "lines."
Don't worry if you slip back into your old ways occasionally - this is probably a lifelong habit, and it will take time to overcome.
Remember that one of the best ways to take care of others is to take care of yourself first!
Treat all people with politeness, dignity and respect. If they aren't nice to you (that is, if they do not treat you with politeness, dignity and respect), then consider limiting the relationship. Don't respond to rudeness with your own rudeness; it just perpetuates the problem.
If you find that you begin most sentences with "I should" or "I ought", then you are operating from a position of weakness and people pleasing. We must do what we are called to do, what we are equipped to do, what we can afford to do financially and time wise, and what we choose to do. If we are gifted in an area and it is a delight to us, then we are robbing another by stepping in to fill another's position because of "need". The "need" does not constitute the "call." Let it lie and the right person to do the job will come forward. It is a bit like silence-if you just cannot bear a break in conversation, or if someone asks a question that no one answers, you are not responsible to fill that void. Bide your time, keep your course, maintain your position, don't accept manipulation, whether intended or not, to change your direction.
Accept the burden you have been allowed to carry, do it well, help others along the way, but do not accept their responsibility as your own.
Some people may take time to adjust to the new you - don't apologize for being you, but be gentle with them!
Some people may seem to reject the new you. Although you may have been afraid to change at first, understand that other people may be as well, and may not understand that their rejection is not so much aimed at you, as much as it is aimed at themselves. Just as you might have thought to reject your desires, so might others reject theirs, and yours in turn only because they think that is what is good for the both of you! Be patient with them. Just as you were capable of understanding that change is nothing to fear, others will come to realize this in time. You can do much to inspire people and calm their own fears by resisting your own.
Some things you may want to do may not be workplace-safe. If you really need your job, think twice before mouthing off or getting a pink mohawk and 5 piercings, especially if you have to be at the investment bank in the morning.
Don't blame others for your decision to change. Don't say "I had to do this because of you"! Remember, you are deciding to change for yourself.
Note that expressing your own desires requires first your awareness of what they are, which requires conscious and consistent practice. For instance, your partner says "Let's have hamburgers for dinner" and you may really think "Whatever is fine by me" while, it is only "fine" because you never make that choice. Take the few extra seconds to consider it. Or, where do you go when you are alone? Tell him or her that's where you would like to go this time. Do not be concerned about what is a good opportunity to practice and what is not.
Overcome the Martyr Syndrome
Stop holding on to your suffering. In any given situation suffering may include some or all of the following: guilt, a feeling of unworthiness, fear of change, fear of conflict, inability to see options or alternatives, stubbornness, or a belief that life has to be difficult. These beliefs can then lead to resentment, anger or depression. Letting go of suffering is analogous to going to the bathroom. There are no feelings of guilt, unworthiness, fear of relief, and certainly there is no stubbornness about going to the bathroom. When you feel enough discomfort, you go to the bathroom. Look at holding on to your suffering the same way. Relief is possible, it's a good thing and you are worthy of it.
Identify the "payoff". Holding onto your suffering must make you feel you have gained something. Is it sympathy, which you rather enjoy? Is it the compassionate coaxing and pleading, which makes you feel important and special to them? Is it a feeling of "ruined nobility", i.e., a feeling that you are slightly superior to others despite your pain, simply because you have these burdens to bear? Somewhere, somehow, you got the idea that your pain buys you something. Try hard to be unsparingly objective, and analyze what you gain each time you act the martyr.
Stop expecting to be rewarded for your suffering. Do you feel you have to "earn" joy by struggling first? Some people believe that the larger the obstacle, the sweeter the reward. It's possible to get carried away and only allow yourself to enjoy life after you've suffered or struggled to some degree. If you find yourself stuck in this state of mind, think of times in your life (especially childhood) when you experienced joy without suffering.
Examine your beliefs. Martyrdom is closely associated with many of the world's religions in terms of people suffering and dying for their beliefs.[1] What are the beliefs that you're suffering for? Are you trying to live up to an impossible standard? Demanding perfection from yourself? Feeling guilty? Are you believing your "inner critic"? A good question to ask yourself throughout the day is "Am I enjoying what I'm doing right now? If not, why am I doing it?" Most of your answers will probably sound like "Because I want..." or "Because I believe I should..."
Stop blaming, justifying and complaining. Every time you blame other people or outside circumstances, you avoid taking responsibility to deal with things as they are. Every time you justify your position or make excuses, you are justifying staying stuck right where you are. Every time you complain about a situation, you are focusing on circumstances you can't change rather than the things you can change.
Take responsibility. Regardless of the reasons why you’re in the situation you’re in, take responsibility for dealing with it as it is now. Ask yourself "What do I do that contributes to the problem?" and "What can I do to make the situation better?" For example, if you feel that someone in the house does not do their share of the housework, you may have cleaned up after them because you couldn't bear to see the mess, and/or you may have expressed your dissatisfaction in subtle or passive-aggressive ways that are easily ignored. Both of these things have enabled the person to continue in their behavior. If their actions upset you, it's because you have allowed them to.
Don't be afraid to change your behavior. Ask yourself what step can you take right now to improve the situation. Even if it's a baby step, it's forward movement and putting small steps together makes progress and builds momentum for positive change. Fear of change is really the fear of the consequence of change. Personal growth only occurs through change. The consequence of change is rarely what we imagine it to be. You might be scared to "rock the boat" as many martyrs often bend over backwards to avoid inconveniencing others, and to avoid confrontation. Be willing to disappoint people. There's a song that goes, "You've got to learn how to let things go, start living without fear, be willing to fall down, there's so much love here..." It's good advice. You can't make everyone happy all the time. Don't try.
Raise your self esteem. According to self esteem expert Dr. Nathaniel Branden, "self esteem is our experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness." Focus on the things you can do to improve the situation. When you focus on solutions, you tend to find solutions, then take action. When you take action the next step usually reveals itself. With repetition you build confidence in yourself and you begin to feel "competent to cope with the basic challenges of life."
Stop waiting for the mindreader. If other people were going to understand that you didn't want more to do, they would have understood by now. Wishful thinking never solves the problem. Good communication skills involve both speaking and listening. It's necessary to find out if the other person is aware how you feel, and what you want and expect. It's also necessary that they have a chance to express what it is that they want and expect. A simple conversation can clear up a big misunderstanding. It's also possible that the other person doesn't want the same thing you want, or worse (for you), doesn't care. It's important to know how things really are so you can deal with reality instead of some fantasized misunderstanding. You need to know where they stand and act accordingly. Even if the other person does not care about the issue as much as you do, you can probably negotiate a better situation than you currently have.
Learn to set effective boundaries. Every time you say yes when you mean no, you commit an act of self betrayal. You can learn to politely and respectfully decline to do what people ask you do. Before you agree to someone's request, ask yourself if you really want to do what they're asking, and consider how you will feel after you perform the request. What's in it for you? Will you feel good about your altruism and sacrifice, or will you feel bitter about being used yet again? Consider the consequences to yourself and others, then, act accordingly.
Permit yourself to have something better. Give yourself permission to practice some self-care. If you were driving across a desert and were low on gas, you would pull into a gas station, put gas in the car, stretch your legs, use the restroom, and maybe have a soda or a snack. In short, you would practice a little sensible self-care. It is doubtful, if you were low on gas, you would keep driving until you were out of gas, having to walk miles in the scorching sun, warding off scorpions and wild beasts to the nearest gas station - if you even knew where it was - and then lug a gas can back to your car. Give yourself permission to engage in a little self-care. Your car can't run on an empty tank, neither can you.
Tips
If you can’t find it within yourself to give yourself permission, get a friend to help you through it. If you can’t do that, hire a coach who can work with you, guide you, and hold you accountable for taking responsibility.
When you take action and face your challenges, you increase your self-esteem and grow in confidence that you can handle the consequences of change.
Stop trying to be perfect. Rather, aspire to be better than you were yesterday. Nobody is perfect. It’s okay to make mistakes. Correct the mistake and move on.
Try to imagine a life without any suffering at all - do you instantly feel unworthy, as if you don't "deserve" such a life? At the core of this belief might be a strong emphasis on delayed gratification (make sacrifices now so you can enjoy more later). A good remedy for that is learning How to Live in the Moment.
Take the first step. Realize that there are alternatives to living with that pain. Talk to a supportive friend you can trust. Get coaching. Get counseling. Consult a doctor. Consult a religious advisor.
Live in the Moment
Living in the moment is all about living like there's no tomorrow. It takes practice but in the end, you'll lead a fuller life. To do this you must realize beauty in every moment, and in everyday activities. This is your life, now live!
Take notice of the world around you. No matter what you're doing, try to find something beautiful around you. Maybe on your way to work or school, you go over a beautiful bridge, or you get a view of the sunrise behind the city buildings. Realizing these small things can bring life and happiness even to the most boring or routine days. Be thankful for those little things.
Focus on whatever you're doing. Even if you're just walking, or wiping the counter, or shuffling cards - how does it feel? There's probably some kind of commentary spinning through your mind, and it probably has to do with something other than what you're doing. Let those thoughts go and focus on what is (not what was, or what could be). In Buddhism, this is referred to as mindfulness. Pay attention to your senses - touch, sight, smell, sound, and taste. Pretend it's the very last time you'll ever experience whatever you're experiencing. Have you ever been so engrossed in something that it seemed like the rest of the world just disappeared? Living in the moment is about creating that state of mind at any time. Slow down, and try to savor the present.
Smile when you wake up. You can set the tone of appreciation and awareness for the next 24 hours by simply waking up and smiling. Don't wake up with a groan and a smash of your alarm clock. There's scientific proof that the expressions that you make with your face can actually influence how you feel. In particular, true happiness is most closely tied to a Duchenne smile which involves smiling with your eyes, as well as your mouth.
Commit random, spontaneous acts of kindness. Whether it's donating 1 dollar to a fund at the pharmacy, picking up litter, or helping victims of natural disasters, keep alert in every moment of your day for some way in which you can make the world a better place. Even the smallest thing, like complimenting someone, can bring joy. It's the most spontaneous and unexpected acts of kindness that produce the greatest impact, and you can't be sensitive to those kinds of opportunities unless you're living in the moment.
Minimize activities that dull your awareness of the moment. What are you doing that tempts your mind to run away from the present? For most people, watching television puts you in a passive state of mind, and time slips right by. Daydreaming and getting lost in a good movie or book isn't bad, but it's not living in the moment because it places your concentration on something that isn't right here, right now; it's a form of escapism. Don't zone out; zone in. Do things that are active, and that encourage you to look around and engage the world in that moment. Gardening, playing a game, knitting, and playing an instrument are all activities that lend themselves to mindfulness. So get off the computer after reading this article!
Be Thankful for what is. When you find yourself wishing for something you don't have, or wishing your life would be different, start your quest for your wish by being thankful for what is already in your life. This will bring you back to the present moment. Make a list of what you are thankful for right now even if all you can think of is that you are alive and can breathe. You don't want miss the gifts right in front of you because you are always looking beyond what is in the present moment to what once was or what might be. If you are thankful for what is, you'll be happy to be in the moment instead of somewhere else.
Tips
Play with the kids, your nephews, nieces, friend’s children! Children don't worry about the future; they play and enjoy every moment for what it is. They haven't yet learned to think ahead, or mull over the past, so take the opportunity to learn from them.
Forgive. Many of us carry grudges with us that haunt us, and those grudges also prevent us from opening our hearts to others because we're scared of getting hurt again.
Watch your breath, by noticing your breathing pattern your mind naturally quiets and pays more attention to the present moment.
Listen to music and enjoy it. Express yourself by dancing to it or singing along.
Participate in active conversation and engage in the subject matter with another human.
Think about how happy your good deed could make someone!
Living in the moment doesn't mean you shouldn't care about the future, or do reckless, irresponsible things. It means that when you make a choice to do something, you focus on actually doing it, rather than letting your mind dwell on the future (or past).
Do not let living in the moment be offensive, rude, uncaring, intrusive, or inconsiderate of others while focusing on living for yourself.
Know Thyself
Knowing one’s self is a lifelong journey and a journey which should be embarked upon with total trust in your personal observations and personal experiences to date. Truth is only known in relation to an individual's perception of reality. There is only one reality and your personal perception of it constitutes only one of many. However, who is the actual perceiver, "Who are you, really?" Reflect upon the following considerations to have an idea of how to view yourself holistically, as a part of reality, as well as to view your awareness as somewhat of a mirror of reality, such that to describe that of which you are aware equates to the truth about an aspect of reality.
Ponder the concept of the Universe. There are some who postulate that the Universe is as old as time itself. Assuming that this assertion is accurate, this would suggest that time and space are inextricably linked and it allows for the premise of somewhat personifying the Universe as "one whole being" which is growing and changing from one moment to another, and it also does not allow for the possibility for anything which happens to be undone.
Ponder the Planet Earth in relation to the Universe. For example, contemplate that the Planet Earth is a spherical and rotating part of the Universe, which is surrounded by a combination of air and water, and houses liquified fire around its core. The Planet Earth rotates once each day (i.e. once every twenty-four hours), and the inhabitants spend approximately twelve hours in substantial darkness when half of the planet is hidden from the Sun, and twelve hours in substantial light when half of the planet is exposed to the Sun. Also, the Planet Earth is orbited by the Moon, and it (along with the Moon and other uninhabited planets) orbits the Sun (i.e. one of many stars) in one of many galaxies. The Moon encircles the Earth once every twenty-eight days whereas the Earth and the Moon encircle the Sun once every three hundred and sixty-five days and a quarter of a day. There are approximately thirty days in a month and there are twelve months in a year. The four seasons of the year are winter, spring, summer, and autumn. The winter months are the coldest months whereas the summer months are the hottest. The Planet Earth is a beautiful habitat for plants, animals, and people. The mobile capabilities of biological entities range from the ability to swim in water, to moving around on land, and flying in the air. The Sun is a spherical gaseous whole which emits immense quantities of light, whereas the Moon is a strong and rocky spherical object, with a reflective surface, which houses and empties itself of the light from the Sun.
Ponder the necessity of the existence of your biological parents to your personal existence. Each person is posterior to the existence of one mature male person and one mature female person. Also, each person is either of the male gender or of the female gender. Further, each person has the capacity to grow into a mature person with a partial ability to produce more people provided that biological defects have not interfered with such ability. The symbol of occupant depicts masculinity and the symbol of house depicts femininity. An occupied house is typically associated with a pleasant experience whereas an empty house is typically associated with an unpleasant experience. A child is an interwoven wholeness originating from the father’s blissful union with the mother. In the reproductive process, the mature female person houses the unborn human being for approximately nine months and endures the suffering as the body of the young person separates from her body during childbirth.
Ponder the requirements for your personal survival and for that of your species. Each person requires air, water, food, sleep, and physical contact for his or her personal survival (i.e. to temporarily extend the duration of his or her life). The requirement for physical contact with respect to survival is most acute in infancy and somewhat diminishes as an individual matures and some amount of physical contact between a member from each gender is essential for the collective survival of humanity. However, at some point, due to either natural or man-made occurrences, it is a certainty that it will become impossible for each person’s power to live to continue to exist.
Ponder the relationship between your body, mind, and spirit, and the continual interaction between them. Each person has a triune nature comprised of body, mind, and spirit. The body refers to a person’s strong physical presence, which is situated at a location in the universe, and houses the complete being, whereas the mind and the spirit occupy the body. The mental presence in the universe is the brain which is a powerful computing machine capable of precise logic and beautiful creativity. The brain is the part of the body which coordinates the activities of the body and houses the spirit. A person’s voice occupies the universe and information about the universe occupies the voice as knowledge to comprise the spiritual presence or holistic awareness. Human awareness is submerged in mental dreams when asleep, and is not cognizant of the rest of the physical body until awake, in a similar way to the way in which an unborn human being occupies his or her mother, and is not cognizant of the rest of the universe until the time of delivery. A mother’s body is either fully occupied, partially occupied, or empty, and a person’s awareness is either awake, asleep, or dead.
Ponder the significance of your natural mental and physical reflexes. Each person has an innate propensity to move away from any source of an unpleasant sensation be it mental or physical, and to move closer to any source of a pleasant sensation be it mental or physical. A person returning some type of harm to another who has caused him or her to experience some type of harm is an example of a mental self-protecting reflex, and a person’s hand recoiling from a very hot surface is an example of a physical self-protecting reflex. Concomitantly, recognize the universality of a person’s natural inclination to an expression of laughter when feeling high and to that of tears when feeling low. There is a natural inclination to pursue more and more pleasant sensations and to avoid all unpleasant sensations. The presence of these opposite sensations is interpreted by many to be an innate signal to each individual to survive and to grow rather than to stagnate and rot to nought.
Ponder your freedom to make personal decisions within the realm of possibility. The will of a human being may be described as the spiritual aspect of a person which flies freely when a person is awake and voluntarily initiates those activities of the brain and the body which are not reflexive. Each person has the capacity to assess what is possible at a given moment, and to personally decide upon a course of action or inaction from among his or her options, as well as the capacity to act without such assessment having taken place. The ability to autonomously assess one’s options allows an individual to act without reference to the instructions of another person and without reference to a pattern of behaviour which may have been exhibited by another. Further, as it is possible for the human will to dominate most innate propensities, this means that it is possible for a person to opt to rebel against the natural mental signal to exclusively pursue pleasant sensations, and it is possible for a person to opt to rebel against nature's urging for him or her to pursue a viable means to survive and flourish as an individual.
Ponder your astute linguistic abilities as a sentient member of the human race. Human beings belong to the most advanced category of organisms in terms of the ability to communicate (i.e. to produce symbols or virtual duplicates of things or events which may be real or imaginary). As a sentient being, each person has an awareness of his or her existence and has an awareness of the existence of his or her awareness. Whilst it is relatively easy for a human being to view his or her body as a part of the Universe, the mind appears more as a "mirror" of the Universe, and this "mirror" might be viewed as allowing for any manner of distortions to the extent that people may adjust this “mirror” to remember the past, or to observe the present, or to imagine events with respect to the past, present or future. This would lead to the conclusion that a word is a “mirror” of awareness, and that awareness is a “mirror” of either the common physical Universe or an individual’s own personal mental “universe.” A person's voice or spiritual presence vacillates between the mind and the body. He or she can recreate the content of his or her awareness using words or he or she can be silent. Words are thought packages which can be used to convey ideas, feelings, and requests from one mind to another. This extraordinary capacity to communicate possessed by human beings, in terms of the production, consumption, and exchange of information, allows for two separate individuals to decide to consolidate efforts to produce one cohesive result, and this accounts for how civilizations may appear more and more advanced as time progresses.
Ponder your innate desire for superiority. Each human being has the natural capacity and proclivity to evaluate himself or herself and other human beings as individuals with respect to appearance and performance. The five standard senses used for such an evaluation of things in the physical realm are seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and tasting. Human beings also have a natural desire to be sophisticated and impressive mentally and physically and there is also an innate desire to appear and perform more impressively than others of the same gender. Mental and physical characteristics are inherited from one's parents. There are some popular theories which suggest that physical characteristics range from aesthetically unpleasant or aesthetically challenged at the lower end right the way up to those which are aesthetically pleasing. The human skeleton is mainly comprised of three main houses or cavities. The skull may be viewed as a house of knowledge, the ribcage as a house of strength, and the pelvis as a house of beauty. It has been observed that males tend to have greater capacity with regard to physical strength whereas females tend to have greater capacity with regard to physical beauty. It has also been suggested that aesthetically pleasing features may be an indicator of an individual’s health and high potential for survival and reproduction. Additionally, it is apparent amongst human beings that the average height of males exceeds the average height of females. Human beings also each have an innate desire to be noticed by at least one other individual in the Universe other than himself or herself, and there is a general and innate fear of complete rejection and absolute loneliness. With regard to competing for a romantic partner, it is quite obvious that if another person is more attractive than a particular person, then there is a greater chance of this particular person being ignored by some potential romantic partner due to the presence of the more attractive person. Another uniquely human characteristic is the human capacity for empathy, which allows each person to imagine himself or herself to be another, and to assess such a hypothetical experience to the extent that one may anticipate what is likely to help or hurt another person in the real world, by way of reference to one's self as a person sharing a common nature with the other.
Ponder your natural aversion to ignorance and your natural curiosity about reality. Existence is both real and imaginary or tangible and intangible. A person’s physical body is hungry for physical materials, his or her holistic awareness is hungry for non-physical truth, and both of these types of resources are necessary for a person to feel fulfilled. Holistic awareness is a mirror or a virtual house that reality dwells in as knowledge the more a person observes, experiences, and learns. Human beings are rational organisms and the goal of understanding one's self and one’s surroundings is a hallmark of how people naturally operate. People are able to investigate what is necessary for things or events to exist or happen as well as the potential or actual usefulness of things or events. People attempt to make sense of the mystery of existence and tend to be discontented to the extent that this is not possible. Additionally, human beings tend to experience mental discomfort with regard to comparing the vastness of the Universe with the relatively minute size of a human body, and there is also usually some level of fear with regard to not knowing for sure what happened in the distant past, what is happening in distant space, and what may happen in the immediate and extended future.
Tips
Recognize that you are a part of reality (i.e. all that exists and happens), and recognize that your words are either true (i.e. an accurate representation of reality) or false (i.e. an inaccurate representation of reality).
View knowledge as your awareness of any aspect of reality. View ignorance as your non-awareness of any aspect of reality. View learning as any process which expands your awareness of reality.
Ask yourself, what is your presence here the result of, really? Ask yourself, what will be the result of your presence here, really? Aspire to grow physically, mentally, and spiritually, to at least perhaps impress yourself, even if others decline to acknowledge your existence, or the virtues in your appearance and performance.
Never underestimate the importance of thoroughly contemplating the human condition. If you do, you might miss out on great opportunities or you might encounter hardship which you may have otherwise been able to avoid.
Do not panic when confronted with mystery or inescapable confusion about an aspect of reality. Rather calmly acknowledge that sometimes satisfactory answers are simply not available for some questions.
Continually reflect upon the human condition in an honest and objective frame of mind, but be careful not to allow such reflection to inhibit your ability to fully experience and appreciate your time to live.
Things You'll Need
curiosity
imagination
honesty
patience
courage
What do you do when you feel like the world has fallen? What do you do when you feel like all you ever worked for, aimed for, thought about, doesn't really matter? When you feel like there's no real reason to wake up to see tomorrow? What if this article told you that you could lose your self-doubt? That you could finally stop questioning your life? Read on and follow the steps!
Learn to accept who you are. It's one of the hardest things to follow through on, but it's definitely most rewarding. It's so easy to look in the mirror and point out most of your insecurities. But, instead of counting all the things you wish you could be, try counting all the things that you are thankful for that bring out your natural beauty. Understand everyone has beauty, whether it be their eyes, their plumped lips, or their rosy cheeks. Make a list of all of these things, and hang it up somewhere by a mirror, and before you leave, look in the mirror and tell yourself you look good. Remember that it's your own opinion that really counts.
Realize your imperfections and then let go. Are you too bossy? Are you too critical of yourself? You're lazy, right? You don't have a lot of friends because your shy? This could go on and on, but the point is is that you need to find out what you aren't so good at, maybe what you don't have, and then let go of it. This is one of the most key steps to accept who you are.
Be honest with yourself. This is one of the hardest things for many of us to do. In many of todays societies that focus on the individual, we are encouraged to strive for success, and often we look for praise as the acknowledgment of that success. We take any criticism as a negative thing, so we shy away from seeing anything about ourselves that elicits that reaction.
Remember that you can't fix it until you can admit there is a problem.
Recognize ineffective coping mechanisms. If you are experiencing any of the feelings described in the introduction, odds are that what you are doing to cope with the problems in life are not working. These things may have worked in the past, and are so ingrained that you don't even realize you do them.
Replace the old methods you used to deal with situations and problems with ones that will deliver or elicit positive responses and solutions. Changing old behaviors can be just as difficult as recognizing them because it takes time and determination to replace old habits and behaviors, but the payoff is worth it.
Make a short list. Once you have accepted yourself, with all your imperfections, you can change some things about yourself. Write out a list about what you want to achieve, what you can achieve, and how you will achieve it. Although, understand that no one is perfect, and sometimes you just can't change who you are.
Don't try to alter several things at once, this is a recipe for failure. Once you have your list, prioritize it. Decide what you need to work on in order of importance. Often changing one thing will cause other things to fall in line, like knocking over dominoes.
Avoid the common "Do-overs" It's your life and your reality. What happened in the past, happened in the past. You just can't change history. So avoid doing it over again because you feel like it's "in your comfort zone" and "you've been through it once, why not one more time?" type of excuse.
Learn that life is the way it is. You can only make it hard if your attitudes about life are pointed that way. You can't change who you really are either. Just be the best you can be, and live life with pride.
Tips
Try self-helping things that will help you focus on other things, such as hobbies, art, yoga/exercise, music, whatever you feel like doing, the littlest difference will help you vent. Venting is so important when you are feeling low.
Confide in a friend. Talking to friends will definitely help, and is just another healthy way of venting.
Change your overall attitude. Instead of saying "I hate my **** because he/she's critical and he/she is too overprotective.", say, "I love my **** because he/she cares what I do and doesn't want me to make bad choices.", if you live your life with a more positive attitude, you will see your whole attitude will look that way more often, so you'll be less depressed.
I agree here, self loathing isn't about one's sexual orientation. Wishing you weren't gay, is just like wishing you were taller, or shorter, or had differnet color eyes. It's self destructive. It's not easy to find joy and peace, you have to first start with excepting things the way they are, especially yourself. Yes, everything we do has a payoff. Understanding the payoff for destructive behavior and then ridding yourself of the desire for that reward is the first, and major step to self healing.
Michael Shernoff, MSW, LCSW, ACSW, did Gay Counseling and therapy for individuals, gay couples, and HIV+ men from 1975 to 2006. Michael died on June 17, 2008, of pancreatic cancer. This site linked above in this featured article is being maintained by his Life Partner as an online resource. There are many articles within the site he wrote over the years that continue to empower and help gay men. Visit the site by clicking on the CHECK OUT MICHAEL SHERNOFF ARTICLES link below the video player above.
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