April 11, 2008 LOVING OURSELVES LOVING LIFE - III - A NEW LOOK
Even if you've never personally tried them, you've probably at least heard about kinds of sex that involve one partner consensually tying up the other, or pretending for a few hours that they're the sexual ``servant'' of the other, or giving the other a spanking. Within the organized community of people who enjoy these kinds of activities and get together to share their knowledge about them (aka ``the BDSM community''), the term ``edge play'' is often used for consensual play of a particularly extreme nature (including activities for which there's a risk of serious injury if safety precautions are not followed, and including activities which may not even involve sex but which are purely intended to create an unusually high level of pain and/or terror which the participants find thrilling).
It's true that new forms of advanced BDSM play get invented every year, and then fluctuate in community popularity as the years go by. But to me that's not the point: to me the point is that for any complex physical skill, whether it be Latin dancing, playing the oboe, mountain climbing, or safely suspending another human being from the ceiling using rope, you're better off learning that skill from an experienced and knowledgeable instructor than from a book. Fortunately organized education is one of the cultural cornerstones of the modern BDSM community, to the point where I believe it makes the most sense both educationally and socially to take advantage of the classes offered through established BDSM community organizations and conferences if there are advanced BDSM skills you'd like to learn.
A little effort can make a big difference.
Sex is one of the greatest sources of pleasure and intimacy in many peoples' lives, often going on to form some of life's most cherished memories. In parallel with this, the misconceptions which make sex less enjoyable than it could be are often very simple ones. So, in sex education, a little effort can make a big difference. In general, I believe it's wise to seek out situations in life where a little effort can make a big difference.
The nature of sex makes it fulfilling to write about.
A major theme in popular movies, fairy tales, and novels is what is lost in going from childhood to adulthood (or by extension from the mythical past to the present). In the popular animated film My Neighbor Totoro you only see the magical creatures when you're very young. At the end of The Lord of the Rings the Elves leave Middle-earth forever. But the one exception to this meta-narrative is sex: the one wonderful thing you lack as a child but gain access to as an adult. As I see it sex is simply how adults play, which to me makes it the most delightful topic basically ever. But enough philosophy --- let's get started.
Learning How NOT to Come
Because of the ``refractory period'' (i.e. the period of time after ejaculation during which you cannot get another erection, and after which it will probably take you even longer to get to the same level of arousal) the orgasmic training benefits of masturbation are a little different for men than for women: you're still learning what the path to orgasm feels like, and in particular you're hopefully learning to recognize the physical sensations immediately prior to the ``point of no return,'' but instead of plowing right through into ejaculation you'll probably want to hang out for a while just before the ``point of no return,'' reducing stimulation as needed so that you don't go over that point into ejaculation.
Then, during intercourse with a partner, you'll be familiar enough with these sensations to be able to (perhaps) thrust less rapidly or deeply as needed to avoid crossing the ``point of no return,'' and hence hang out at that especially pleasurable state for even longer. Your partner probably won't mind.
Of course, it's important to keep in mind that the fantasy world is not the same as the real world, just as seeing a documentary about ocean life doesn't mean you just breathed water. However, in some cases you may be able to identify enjoyable fantasies that there might be some safe and consensual way for you and your partner to sample in real life.
Anal
Although it isn't everyone's cup of tea, there are several good reasons why anal penetration (or even stimulation of the anal opening without actual penetration) is such a popular sexual activity: The anus is very rich in nerve endings, resulting in intense and interesting sensations whenever it is intentionally stimulated.
Some men find that anal penetration can stimulate their prostate gland, which (especially when they are already aroused) can put an interesting new spin on the sexual sensations they receive from stimulation of their penis. Some may find an erotic charge in anal sex because they think of it as being somehow ``naughty.'' Others may find an erotic charge in anal sex because the sensation of taking something inside their body may feel so unusual and/or intimate.
Wearing a specially-designed toy such as a ``butt plug'' during sex results in different sensations when you move your pelvis. Alternatively, if you practice PC muscle contraction during sex for orgasm enhancement, then you've probably also noticed when you clench your PC muscle the muscles around your anus tighten as well: having something for them to clench around just makes you even more aware of this clenching, in a way that you might find erotic and interesting.
As a side note, I'm told that some heterosexual men are hung up about whether anal penetration will somehow ``make them gay.'' Obviously, having something in your butt doesn't make you gay: being sexually attracted to other men is what makes you gay, and so far nobody has found a way to make that happen for straight men any more than they've found a way to make gay men straight. Put in another way: if having had the experience of, during oral sex, your female partner putting her finger in your anus and you liking the sensation could somehow make you gay, then there would be far, far more gay men in the world than there currently are.
Going Slowly
Especially with a partner new to any kind of anal play (or who may have had bad experiences with it in the past but wants to give it another try with you) it's important to go slowly, and let the person being penetrated decide when they want more. Also, keep in mind that anal play doesn't have to mean anal penetration: the outside rim of the anus is very sensitive in and of itself, and running a lubed finger around it can be plenty arousing for some people. So: start slowly, go slowly, and listen to what your partner is saying.
Using Lube
Unlike the vagina, the anal passageway doesn't produce its own lubrication. So, when inserting anything into the anus, lube is in order. The usual water-based lubes (once again, without Nonoxynol-9) are perfectly fine for most kind of anal play.
One caution, however: under no circumstances can I recommend that you purchase any of the anal lubes which are marketed as containing ``numbing agents.'' If anal sex is uncomfortable for you, then examples of productive responses might include asking your partner to go slower, using more lube, using a smaller dildo, or maybe even just skipping the anal play altogether for the time being. By contrast, an example of an unproductive response would be deadening one of the body's natural warning signals. Anal penetration shouldn't hurt: the tissues involved are delicate, and sharp pain in particular shouldn't be ignored.
Keeping Clean
Although Hepatitis A would be a concern if one partner has it and the other isn't vaccinated against it, for many people general cleanliness is their biggest concern about anal play. Even if so, it isn't necessary to go through anything as drastic as an enema before ordinary kinds of anal play if you want to feel clean.
Simpler measures for fastidious folks include:
Saving anal play for when you and your partner are in the shower together (note that this isn't a substitute for safer sex barriers if they're needed --- rather it simply may be perceived by some as a cleaner and more comfortable setting for anal play just in general).
Donning latex or Nitrile gloves (available at most drugstores) before putting your fingers in your partner, and peeling off/discarding the gloves afterward.
Putting a condom over any toy that you're about to insert into your partner's anus (note: this is something that's a good idea just in general for any toy that cannot be sterilized, regardless of your personal cleanliness preferences).
Using a condom, whether or not it is needed for safer sex reasons.
Using a sheet of saran wrap (perhaps with a bit of water-based lube on your partner's side of the barrier) to cover the anus if you'll be engaging in rimming (i.e. stimulating the external part of your partner's anus with your tongue).
Fingers are endlessly versatile when it comes to sex, and anal play is no exception. Here are just a few examples:
A lubed finger is an easy way to stimulate and tease the exterior of the anus.
A soapy finger in the shower, or a lubed finger around the behind during oral sex, are easy ways to start experimenting with anal penetration.
Fingers are also one of the easiest ways for men to experience prostate stimulation: once you're aroused, if your partner presses towards the root of your penis from inside your anus, then they'll probably be able to feel the gland itself (and if not you could certainly tell them once things start to feel interesting).
One important point: fingernails should be short if you're going to use them for anal penetration. Remember that the tissues of the anus are extremely sensitive, so any bumps or sharp edges to your fingernails, even if they look small, are best avoided.
Fingers and/or toys are actually the best way to get started with anal penetration, but for some people who have male partners the thought of penetration by their partner's penis may be a potent one.
Lube is always in order, as are condoms (particularly if there are any possible STD concerns, or if one of you has concerns about cleanliness).
It's also especially important for the penetrating partner to listen: if your partner asks you to slow down or stop, and you don't listen, then at a minimum you're risking spoiling this activity for the two of you in the future.
The big safety virtue of toys specifically designed for anal play is that they can't get ``lost'' inside the anal passageway, no matter what kind of mishap may happen: they generally have flanged bases which prevent anything like this from happening.
And, of course, they're given shapes meant to feel good --- perhaps involving small bulges that provide a fascinating sensation as they slip past the anus itself.
For most couples (or individuals who simply want to add a new dimension to masturbation), the simple ``butt plug'' will be just about the ultimate anal toy: not only are they designed not to go too far in, but they're also designed to easily stay in without anyone's hand there to keep them in. So, you can put a condom over one, apply some lube, insert it, and then go on having sex the way you normally do, but with the addition of an interesting new sensation in your pelvic area that accompanies every pelvic thrust, PC muscle squeeze, or orgasmic contraction.
The distinction between dildos and butt plugs is that anal dildos aren't meant to stay in on their own once they're inserted: rather, they're intended to be slowly thrust in and out, by either you or your partner, for a sensation of movement within the anus that's quite distinct from the insistent/consistent pressure of the ``stay in place'' butt plug.
A strap-on harness allows one to hold an anal dildo in place against the pubic bone, hence allowing ``hands free'' anal penetration. Although in theory there are some circumstances in which men might choose to wear a strap-on (perhaps using a different harness design that holds the dildo against the upper thigh rather than against the public bone above the penis), in practice these toys are mainly purchased and worn by women for use with their partners.
This section covers several popular forms of sex that are just a little less common than most of the ones we've discussed so far.
Personally, at least when it comes to anything safe, I feel there's a lot to be said for cultivating a mutual ``Sure, why not? Let's give it a try and see if we like it...'' attitude:
When it comes to kinds of sex other than the ones you and your partner usually have, you'll probably have to communicate at least a little bit just to make the new thing work. This may make communication easier even for the kinds of sex you usually have --- and never forget what a big difference it can make if you're able to say ``Mmmm... Just a little more to the left...'' or ``Just a little softer, sweetie'' or ``Oh wow keep doing exactly that'' or ``God yes, fuck me harder!'' to your partner and then get what you're asking for.
Life often seems to go by more quickly than we'd like. If there's anything you and your partner might enjoy together beyond what you're currently doing, then it's probably better to find that out sooner rather than later so that you have even more years to enjoy it together.
“Role Playing,” for example where one partner agrees to be ``in charge'' of what happens during sex that evening while the other partner agrees to assume a submissive role, or where one partner agrees to play the role of the pillaging rogue while the other plays the role of the fair maiden, is a very popular and perhaps even beneficial kind of sex play:
In its ``power play'' or ``Dominance and submission'' forms (i.e. where one partner agrees to do what the other tells them for a certain period of time) it can serve as good practice for the ``dominant'' partner in learning to communicate about what they want sexually, while the ``submissive'' partner may get to enjoy a brief respite from the stress of having to make decisions.
In the case of other kinds of roles it can serve as a creative outlet, as well as an erotic opportunity to experience your partner acting and dressing like a completely different person --- perhaps almost like having an affair without having an affair?
Either way, it's important to keep in mind that the following principle should infuse any form of role playing, just as it should infuse any other form of sex with your partner: ongoing consent. In other words, any of the people participating in the role playing ``scene'' should be able to stop it at any time, and there should be a way to easily distinguish acted-out pleading in the context of the scene (e.g. ``Oh no Mr. Pirate please don't put that in me it's so big!!!'') from a real request to slow down or stop (e.g. ``OK, this is seriously not working for me, we need to stop right now.'') Generally, the clearest way to be sure there are no misunderstandings is to pick a ``safeword'': an unusual word or phrase like ``red'' or ``safeword'' or your partner's middle name, which when used by either of you means you both stop what you're doing and either quit for the evening, take a rest break, or discuss/resolve what was going wrong and resume.
Discovering Your Fantasies
Figuring out what kinds of fantasies you or your partner have (and ideally have in common) is a good first step, so that you can make an initial guess as to what kinds of roles might be fun to play out with each other. There are two general approaches to finding them: the ``on your own'' approach and the ``with your partner'' approach. Of course, there's no reason you can't try both.
Personally, I'm of the opinion that we have more to learn from our best sexual experiences than from our worst ones. So, which do you consider your best sexual experiences? Is there anything they all have in common?
Alternatively, what scenarios do you fantasize about when you masturbate? If you're not used to fantasizing when you masturbate, then at least try to imagine some of the common sexual activities and fantasies you may have at heard about, in the hopes of finding something that's an obvious hot button for you.
At this point we should probably pause to address ``fantasy vs. reality.'' In general, fantasies can be strange things. Personally, I have erotic fantasies involving being crowned emperor with complete dominion over the entire earth. Yet, ironically, in real life I have no serious attraction to a career in politics, and in general can see no relation between this fantasy and what I actually do (or even want to do) in real life. Nevertheless, my fantasy is no less potent for this.
In other words, it is your actions in the real world which matter: as long as you're sane and can distinguish between ``fantasy'' and ``reality'' as easily as you can distinguish between ``fiction'' and ``non-fiction,'' then I personally wouldn't worry too much about the level of ``political correctness'' in your fantasies. And, if you and your similarly consenting adult partner can find a way to act out something like them in a safe way that involves only each other, then more power to you.
With Your Partner: ``Keep Talking or I'll Stop''
Ah yes... The classic game called ``Keep Talking or I'll Stop.'' You could probably figure out how it's played just from the name, but the general idea is for you to give your partner his or her favorite sexual act, and as long as he or she continues to stream-of-consciousness babble about various fantasies he or she finds arousing, or has masturbated to in the past, then your partner gets to continue to enjoy what you're doing. Otherwise, you stop until they continue.
The thing to emphasize going in is that there are essentially no standards for grammar or story cohesion: babbling is all you expect, and if they can't manage to think of anything at the moment it's OK to simply repeat ``oh fuck'' or ``yes'' or ``god that feels so good'' until they do.
The other two important factors are the degree to which your partner can trust you won't judge them for whatever they say, and believes you're enjoying listening to them even if they fantasy they're describing isn't one you personally share.
In my opinion this is a fantastic way to become more comfortable communicating during sex, if for no other reason than that it directly associates using one's voice with pleasure. It's also a great way to break through any worries as to whether your partner would judge you for harmless parts of your inner life.
Acting Out Fantasies With Your Partner, The Four C's of Role Playing
Clarity
As we've already mentioned, it's good to select a ``safeword'': a special word, which wouldn't come up in the role you're playing, that you and your partner agree will mean you'll pause whatever you're doing and talk to each other ``out of role.'' If nothing else you can just use the word ``safeword'' itself.
If you two have never done any kind of role playing before, then it might also be helpful for each of you to think over and share whether there's anything you could conceivably be asked to do that you know you'd never want to do (also known as a ``hard limit'').
Creativity
You may find that erotic role playing with your partner can be a real creative outlet. If so, then feel free to brainstorm, and let your mind dream up variations on fun things you've done before: it's like planning a fancy date, or a vacation, and it's another way to show your partner they're important to you.
Clothing
Think about how you might feel directing traffic wearing pajamas, and then think about how you might feel directing traffic wearing a full policeman's outfit. Clothing can be a fantastic way to help you feel as if you're really living your role, and likewise it's a great antidote to feeling self-conscious about your role (i.e. since with the costume you're projecting the role even without saying a word). I'm not even necessarily thinking of costume supply places here: black leather conveys a mixture of sexual confidence and comfort with sexual power, a nice suit (whether male or female) conveys a more generalized form of power, an expensive leather harness with sultry tones may be perfect for a ``high-priced call guy'' fantasy, etc.
Confidence
Self-confidence enhances almost any role, and is sexy in almost any circumstance.
But in my opinion, particularly when you're just starting out with role playing, confidence is a house that's built on a foundation of trust. So, be generous with praise, and look for positive (and sexy) ways to offer suggestions to your partner if such are necessary. Remember that it isn't just sexual vulnerability which is being offered here, but a sort of character vulnerability: so, be especially kind to each other.
Expanded Orgasms - Basic Tips for Stronger Orgasms
People love orgasms. So, if the pleasurable muscular contractions of orgasm can be made to last longer, or be even stronger, then that's just more of a good thing. Think of how much better food tastes when you're really hungry. The sexual equivalent of that is teasing --- giving someone just enough sexual stimulation to stay very aroused and erect/engorged but not enough to actually pass over into orgasm.
The result of the above-average level of sexual tension may be an above-average orgasm, once the teasing is over the recipient is finally getting everything they've been craving.
The pubococcygeal (``PC'') muscle, which is so directly involved in sex and orgasm, can be exercised like any other muscle: simply mentally recall the muscle you would tighten to stop the flow of urine if you were urinating, and tighten it as if that's what you were doing. Perhaps tighten, hold for a second or two, relax, and repeat: these ``Kegel exercises'' are something you can do anywhere, and for both men and women a stronger PC muscle may result in stronger orgasms.
You can also experiment with rhythmically tightening your PC muscle during sex as orgasm approaches: particularly for women, this may lead to a stronger orgasm. Men may find that strongly contracting their PC muscle and leaving it tightened can help them avoid ejaculation, if they're right on the edge of the ``point of no return'' and feel like even completely stopping wouldn't be enough.
To start with, multiple orgasms aren't necessary to enjoy sex: it's perfectly valid to just enjoy one big one. Also, people differ in how well the techniques described below will work for them, and if any of them do work how enjoyable the subsequent orgasms will be in comparison to the first. As such, don't get too hung up or goal-oriented about any of this: it's fun to try the different techniques, but if none of them work well for you then don't sweat it.
As it stands, most of the published methods by which men can attempt to experience multiple orgasms fall into one of the following categories:
Paying close attention to where you are in your level of arousal, and slowing down, stopping, or changing your thrusting as needed to keep yourself just under the ``point of no return.'' This doesn't result in multiple ejaculations, but if you get close enough to the point of no return without going over it, then you may get to experience some of the pleasurable contractions of orgasm without ejaculation and the subsequent loss of your erection (in other words, you can then keep on enjoying the sex). The downside is that the attention required to almost reach this point without going over it may be more effort than it's worth: you might prefer to stay well below the point of no return and enjoy sex just at that level without going for any non-ejaculatory orgasmic contractions. Either way, if you want to learn any of this, it's generally recommended that you first learn to do it through masturbation --- that way you have complete control over the stimulation you're receiving, and are free to pay full attention to exactly what things feel like at each point.
As a variation on the above, firmly contracting your PC muscle or firmly squeezing the base of your penis (or else having your partner squeeze the base of your penis) just at the ``point of no return.'' The contraction or squeeze should continue until the physical urge to ejaculate has passed. This technique can help prevent ejaculation if you're at a point where it would otherwise be unavoidable.
Doing something to fool the body into dodging the point of no return, by quickly releasing a lot of overall physical tension (or at least that's how I interpret this approach --- it's usually couched in much more exotic jargon...). One published technique involves a quick vocalized exhalation from the diaphragm just before ejaculation is about to become inevitable: you then get to experience a feeling of ``relief'' which is akin to orgasmic release, but which backs the sexual response cycle away from the point of no return.
Spirituality-Influenced Approaches to Sex
You may have heard the term ``Tantric sex'' before, and if you've ever been in a New Age bookstore you may have seen flyers for workshops promising to teach ``ancient sexual wisdom'' or ``sexual secrets of the east.'' You may have wondered what all this is about.
For the most part, these books and workshops tend to be at least indirectly inspired by (generally Eastern) esoteric spiritual writings. And, we should be clear that ``esoteric'' and ``inspired by'' are indeed the key words: in no case I'm aware of does what is being presented in these books and workshops represent the everyday practice of any of the world's major religions (including mainstream Hinduism or Taoism), and in some cases it either bears little resemblance to the original source material or else extracts only the sexual material from a much larger whole.
There are many branches of this type of thought in North America and Western Europe today, including:
Ones which refer to themselves as ``Tantric,'' and borrow language from esoteric Hinduism. These typically concern themselves with the mystical connection between both partners, and the value of slow eye-gazing sex.
Ones which borrow language from esoteric Taoism. For men, these tend to emphasize the value of sex which includes orgasm --- perhaps even multiple orgasms --- but not ejaculation.
Ones based in Wiccan culture or other forms of neo-paganism. These tend to emphasize the symbolic meaning of sex in the Earth's cycle of life, the value of setting up an environment for sex that is pleasing to the senses and filled with symbolic items, and perhaps involve the ``sex magick'' concept of ``dedicating'' your sexual activity toward some real-world result you both hope to achieve.
Non-denominational and (essentially) secular approaches which do not claim direct allegiance to any one form of historical religious thought, though they may have originally derived their inspiration from any number of sources. The best example of this more modern approach is currently the Body Electric School.
There are many other examples, but those given above are the ones you're currently most likely to encounter.
Is All This For Real?
If by ``for real'' you mean ``effective,'' then the answer is generally yes: beneath all the exotic jargon (which may or may not be to your taste) you will often find ideas that are perfectly sound. For example, who wouldn't enjoy their lover taking the time to set up a sexy bedroom environment, who doesn't enjoy lovemaking that takes its time, and who doesn't like being treated as if they're valued?
However, if by ``for real'' you instead mean ``true to our best historical knowledge concerning common sexual behaviors in the cultures or faiths whose names these books and workshops share,'' then to be perfectly honest the record is mixed. Yes, in a few cases people are merely borrowing a few exotic words from another religion and inventing something out of whole cloth that would be unrecognizable and/or profoundly offensive to essentially any real follower of that religion. But in other cases, perhaps in the best spirit of multiculturalism and the information age, people are drawing on the best of the past and the present to create something completely new: something which they do not then claim has any relationship to other religious faiths or cultures.
As an admirable example of the latter, I would put forward the Body Electric School. As a particularly egregious and offensive example of the former, I would submit a certain nationally-promoted series of workshops purportedly based on the sexual practices of a specific Native American tribe, practices which as far as any legitimate researchers have been able to discern were all completely made up by the workshop promoter. Furthermore, the individual who created and promoted these workshops apparently had no real connection to the tribe he claimed to represent --- including not even being able to speak their language. These workshops have, rightly, earned angry protests by real members of the tribe in question. As in all things, perhaps much of the rest falls somewhere between these two extremes.
Assuming their beliefs are sincere, I do not feel it's my place to sit in judgment of anyone else's claims concerning higher powers, higher planes of existence, spiritual ``energies,'' etc. So instead, what follows is an attempt to summarize the most common secular ideas which may be found in the spirituality-based sex workshops offered today. They are all perfectly sound ideas which do not involve any form of spirituality in any way, or require any change in one's religious beliefs.
Making Time for Your Partner
In other words, making a date with your partner and setting aside time specifically for sex just as you might set aside uninterrupted time to attend a fancy dinner with friends or a sporting event. This lets your partner feel valued, allows him to look forward to the experience as the day goes on, and insures that you two actually do have an opportunity for sex during the week. There is nothing esoteric or controversial about this: it's just common sense, particularly for people with busy lives.
Creating a Sensuous Atmosphere
Everybody looks better by candlelight, and the fact that you took the time to light some candles, to put on some nice music, to make sure you know where all of your sex supplies (e.g. lube and a towel) may be found, are all nice ways of showing your partner you look forward to your time together and that you value sex with them. There is nothing religious about this: once again it's just common sense, and it's an expression of the same sensual attitude that can make any part of life more enjoyable.
Clearing Your Mind of Other Thoughts
Sex is more enjoyable if you can first clear your mind of other worries from the work day, or of what chores you should do afterward, and focus fully on the experience you're having with your partner.
This doesn't have to be anything fancy, and there doesn't have to be anything religious about it: a minute or two of calm and deep breathing with your eyes closed while you think about nothing other than the feeling of the air moving in and out of your lungs, followed by a minute or two of thinking about nothing other than your partner while you continue to breathe in the same way, would probably be more than enough to make a big difference for most people.
Hot baths are a great place to do this: since they make your skin feel differently afterward, they serve as a physical reminder that you're going to be focusing on something sensual for a while.
Having Sex that's Fun for Everyone
Across all of the different ``spiritual sexuality'' books and workshops that I've ever heard of, there's one common theme: intending sex to be physically fun for both of the people involved. In other words, the tiresome pattern of ``Person A crawls on top of Person B, has an orgasm after two minutes, then rolls over and falls asleep leaving Person B frustrated'' isn't considered a desirable norm.
Breathing Rhythmically and Attentively
Instead of tensing up and breathing quickly and shallowly as orgasm approaches, breathe calmly and deeply, stay aware of your whole body, and try to keep your whole body relaxed. The claim is that this can result in you spending more time in a very pleasurable pre-orgasmic state which makes your whole body feel good all the way to the fingertips.
One guess as to why this works is that tensing up with rapid, shallow breathing triggers orgasm early, and that doing the opposite somehow tells your body, ``There's no rush, enjoy yourself!'' Another guess is that it's giving the body enough of the oxygen it needs, given that it's exerting itself. Personally, I suspect both explanations contain an element of truth.
But regardless of the underlying explanation I think it's fair to conclude that it's not a religious matter, since whether it works for you or not doesn't seem to depend on your personal spiritual beliefs.
Paying Attention to Your Partner
The down side to books on sexual technique is that they can sometimes make it seem as if good sex amounts to ``doing'' certain things, i.e. that ``the technique'' takes precedence over whatever their partner's body language is suggesting they enjoy or don't enjoy. I've said this before, but it bears repeating: everyone has different tastes, and there is no sexual ``technique'' that takes the place of paying attention.
And, I think that's where the whole spiritual sexuality movement perhaps has its greatest value: although sometimes the endless ``eye gazing'' exercises can be a bit much, their emphasis on staying focused and paying close attention to the person you're with is sound.
Focusing on How Much Your Partner Means to You
This works particularly well if you're in love with your partner, and it's an especially nice thing to do while kissing. Basically, just try to fill your mind with nothing other than the thought of how much you love your partner and how much he or she means to you. This kind of thing is found in various forms throughout much of the spiritual sexuality literature. Sometimes it's cast in religious terms, or alongside a lot of talk about ``energy,'' but at its core I see it as simply remembering what is truly important to you.
Staying Aware of Your Body
At least to me, this seems akin to some of the ``visualization'' techniques used by competitive athletes.
Basically, if you feel yourself losing your level of attentiveness during sex (i.e. your mind seems to be wandering) then turn your mental attention to your body, starting at your feet and methodically working your way up: try to let your entire mind be filled with the sensation of whatever your skin is feeling in each area as you move upward.
Some people get a lot out of this and some don't, but if it works for you then you'll probably leave the exercise feeling refreshed, and more aware of the pleasurable sensations you're enjoying during sex.
BDSM
The term ``BDSM'' is an acronym that stands for ``Bondage Discipline/Dominance Submission/Sadism Masochism.'' In theory that includes quite a lot. In practice it includes even more, as play styles such as ``sensation play'' (i.e. creating a sort of art form of touch with different sensations from different toys --- typically intended to be interesting rather than ``sadistic'') have become increasingly popular within the BDSM community.
We covered role playing in an earlier section, so in this one we'll only need to cover the most common forms of physical BDSM play, including movement restriction (e.g. ``bondage'') and sensory input restriction (e.g. blindfolding).
There are several points which should be emphasized before we proceed:
Everything we're discussing in this section is assumed to be engaged in with the full consent of each person involved. [In fact, I don't believe it's appropriate to use the term ``BDSM'' to refer to anything else: as I understand it that acronym didn't originate from criminal code or the study of abnormal psychology --- rather, it was invented by the community of adults who engage in this kind of play consensually, to refer only to the kinds of consensual play they do together.]
As was discussed in the ``Role Playing'' section of this guide, it's wise to have a ``safeword'': an unusual word that, when used, stops the entire ``scene'' immediately. This completely removes any ambiguity as to whether someone is pleading or struggling just because they find it erotic to do so, or whether they're actually wanting everything to stop. If nothing else, the word ``safeword'' itself can be used.
In my observation, educational workshops are one of the cultural cornerstones of the modern BDSM community. So, if this kind of erotic play is something you'd like to learn more about, then provided you live anywhere near a major city you should have no trouble locating a group which offers nominal-cost workshops on a variety of BDSM techniques.
This stuff isn't everyone's cup of tea, and just because you find you like one aspect of it (perhaps bondage) doesn't mean you'll like another aspect of it (perhaps spanking). That being said, it's also true that many kinds of BDSM play feel very different than they look, so don't be surprised if you try something new and find yourself liking it more than you thought you would.
To me, poetic license is very much in the spirit of the modern BDSM community: its participants have always reminded me of nothing more so than a collective of eccentric artists, who simply happen to use the body's sense of touch and the mind's most primal drives as their medium.
So, I hope you don't mind my own poetic license, but I've taken the liberty of categorizing the most popular forms of BDSM play into ``The Way of Subtraction'' (sensory and movement restriction) and ``The Way of Addition'' (unusual or intense sensations). In general, only the most straightforward and common types of play will be covered below: anything more exotic is probably best learned from a workshop rather than a book.
The Way of Subtraction
Sometimes it can enhance your enjoyment of one sense to focus only on that sense: imagine closing your eyes while listening to a favorite piece of music, or while enjoying a particularly scrumptious piece of chocolate.
Not being able to move can have a similar ``focusing'' effect. Additionally, depending on how you're bound, you may have the option of sex being even more physical since you can struggle as much as you like without fear of hurting your partner: in this context, struggling may feel invigorating, and the subsequent exhaustion may feel sexy.
On top of all this, as the recipient (aka ``Bottom,'' distinct from ``Top'' in BDSM slang) you don't have to worry about doing anything, simply because you can't: so, you're completely free to enjoy whatever your partner is doing with you, with no need to even think about what you should do to reciprocate.
Blindfolding
Blindfolding is a classic bedroom game, which even people who have never heard of ``BDSM'' are probably familiar with. And, it's a classic for good reason: without the sense of sight time seems to go more slowly, and the sense of anticipation of touch only increases since you can't see it coming. Many people find blindfolding to be sexy, and even kind of a romantic gesture (perhaps especially if the room is candlelit --- the whole Phantom of the Opera thing...).
One thing worth mentioning is that traditional cloth blindfolds never seem to work as well as they do in the movies: they'll often work themselves loose once tied, or slip up or down, and you always seem to be able to see a little bit out of them. More practical, although unfortunately without the classic ``blindfold look,'' are the designs with foam padding and an elastic strap that goes around the back of the head: these shut out all light and don't fall off. Failing this, the blindfolds which people use when they want to sleep during the day are another option.
Bondage
Bondage often seems to end up going in one of two main directions:
A ``passionate'' direction, in which the person who has been bound is expected and/or encouraged to struggle (at least a little). In addition to the adrenaline rush of struggling, this kind of play seems to fire up the mind's primal response to being unable to move despite trying (which for some people feels similar enough to sexual arousal to be, well, arousing...).
A ``meditative'' direction, in which the receiving partner generally prefers to be relatively still and quiet, and experiences the state of being unable to move as meditative and peaceful. For this kind of bondage the act of being tied up is itself an important part of the experience, and it's generally considered perfectly fine if doing so takes a fair amount of time. This commonly means bondage using rope and knots.
The important thing to understand is that bondage doesn't have to specifically mean rope (since rope bondage actually takes a fair amount of practice to do effectively and safely), and as a beginner it shouldn't mean handcuffs (since the receiving partner can hurt themselves if they struggle the wrong way, plus it's easy to lose the key).
The easiest way to start is with a quality set of leather wrist and ankle cuffs, as sold by the better sex toy supply shops.
An even easier and less expensive way to see if this is something you two might be into (at least for ``passionate'' bondage as discussed above) is for one partner to consensually hold down the other's arms during sex, though this obviously works best if the partner on top has enough physical strength such that partner underneath can't move. And, equally obviously, if the ``safeword'' gets used everyone lets go.
The Way of Addition
This is about heightening sensation and creating mildly altered states of consciousness, not by restricting one of the senses or the ability to move, but rather by creating intense or unusual sensations to focus on or endure.
In the case of ``painful'' sensations, the big tip (which applies regardless of the type of play) is to ramp up to them gradually, so that the body's natural responses of adrenaline and endorphins have a chance to help transform these feelings into something qualitatively different --- and hopefully more meaningful --- than stubbing a toe.
Of course, please keep in mind that this stuff doesn't have to be painful:
In the case of floggings with a soft multi-tailed flogger with broad and heavy tails, it can feel almost like a comforting (though admittedly unusual) form of massage.
The ``pain'' can be kept very light in comparison to whatever sex may be going on at the same time, and possibly ramped up in intensity along with the sex for a very primal experience that, as intense as it may be, isn't exactly painful --- at least not as we normally think of the term.
This stuff doesn't have to be about pain on any level: the intent can be something closer to creating an interesting symphony for the sense of touch, which to date lacks any other art form that I know of.
Sensations
Running a mitt of soft fur, or silk, over your partner's back or buttocks can be both sexy and engaging. It's also a nice thing to reward them with after some heavier stuff, along the lines of some of the examples below.
Some people find it sexy when sex gets so passionate and out-of-control that one person gets their back scratched without their partner realizing they did it. But on a more conscious level, fingernails are just one more interesting and potentially intense sensation that can feel either invigorating or startling, as you wish. Plenty of people love having their nipples firmly pinched. You probably hadn't thought of this as ``BDSM,'' but technically it counts.
Spanking
Spanking is extremely popular, not only because of the ``you've been naughty'' connotations that some people find sexy, and not only because it's a form of skin-to-skin sensation that can either be ``thuddy'' or ``stingy'' as the person doing the spanking wishes, and not only because it wakes the body up with a nice physical buzz, but also because the buttocks are near the genitals: when one shakes, the other shakes a little as well, for a tiny extra thrill.
It can also be extremely easy to use your other hand to pleasure your partner's penis or clit while you're spanking them --- making them ``work'' for their orgasm, in other words. The problem with spanking, if you and your partner really get into it, is that your hand eventually gets tired and sore. Fortunately, a variety of solutions are available.
Paddling
Using a wooden paddle doesn't have to be painful: it depends on you, and it depends on the paddle. Within the BDSM community, for example, it's easy to find vendors and craftspeople who make a wide range of paddles of varying intensities, including some flexible ones covered in soft fake fur. But regardless, I suppose with the introduction of paddles we're now getting into the area where if you were extremely forceful and stupid you could theoretically hurt your partner, e.g. perhaps by slamming the edge of the paddle against their tailbone.
So, now that we're into the ``Heavy Sensations,' the implicit rule becomes even more important: don't play when you're drunk while using drugs or otherwise out of control of your behavior, and use common sense.
Flogging
The classic BDSM community-designed flogger is very different from the kind of ``whip'' you may have seen in the movies: it has many flat tails rather than one long braided strand, and it's not designed to break skin. Depending on its weight, construction material, level of tail stiffness, etc., it may be experienced by the person being flogged as either ``thuddy'' or ``stingy'' (those being the two basic classifications for this kind of sensation).
Some recipients prefer ``thud'' while some prefer ``sting,'' though for variety and refreshment's sake it can be nice to alternate between those two extremes at least to some degree: this is one of the big reasons why most flogging enthusiasts tend to have many different kinds of floggers.
Here are some basic play and safety tips for flogging:
As with all forms of potentially intense physical play, if you and your partner want to go from light flogging up to a very intense and heavy experience, then build up to it slowly over the course of your session.
The big target areas are the left and right sides of the upper back: hitting lower than this (i.e. into the area of the kidneys) doesn't feel good and medically may not be a good idea, and hitting higher such that the tails wrap around the tops of the shoulders is typically experienced as annoying.
As the person delivering the flogging, getting a good rhythm going will help your partner have a better experience.
If you do manage to come across one of those long single-tail whips (i.e. the kind you can actually crack), then don't even think about using it without some in-person training from someone who knows what they're doing, along with eye protection while you're learning. These things are hazardous if used improperly, and their use is far beyond anything we're going to cover here.
Caning
Although it's tempting to think of caning (i.e. hitting someone on the buttocks or the backs of their upper thighs with one of those long English-style rattan sticks) as just another form of paddling, there are significant differences:
The sensation is fundamentally different. With caning the pain comes in two waves: one with the actual strike, and the second a few seconds later.
Rapid, hard strokes quickly become overwhelming, and mess up the ``two-wave'' sensation mentioned above. Soft, ``tapping'' strokes can be done quickly and rhythmically, but anything hard enough to produce the ``two-wave'' pain sensation deserves a good pause before and after, so that the experience can be fully savored.
Canes produce a particularly intense sensation, which you may not fully appreciate if you've never personally experienced it. So, if you want your partner to ever do this with you again, make sure you don't get carried away and hit too hard. In fact, before you hit someone with a cane you should get hit once with a cane yourself, so that you have a reference point as to how little force produces how much pain.
When buying a cane (ideally at a BDSM community vendor fair or convention, where they're being sold for use on other people), it's wise to sight down the length of the cane to judge quality: although the cane should have a curve it's helpful for this to be in one plane. In other words, it should look like a very shallow smile that would lay flat against a wall or piece of paper. The history of caning seems to invite a certain level of formality, and going slowly and asking the recipient to count the strokes up to a certain number are popular amongst enthusiasts.
Fisting
Fisting (the act of inserting most or all of your hand into your lover's anus) is definitely an advanced form of sex play: if the receiving partner is intoxicated to where they're not noticing pain signals, or if the inserting partner ignores what their partner is telling them, then particularly with anal fisting it's definitely possible to seriously hurt someone. In the case of anal fisting you may need a different kind of lube (regular water-based lube is considered by many serious anal fisting enthusiasts as not being slippery or long-lasting enough for this specific purpose), and for both kinds of fisting you would also need to learn how to make the little ``duck'' shape with your hand for easier entry (i.e. with the thumb over the palm of the hand, and the two outer fingers over the inner ones).
And, above all, as the inserting partner you have to be patient. In other words this kind of sex isn't for everyone, and on top of everything else the size of the inserting partner's hand may dictate whether or not this can become a comfortable part of sex for them and their partner at all.
But having said all that, I felt it was important to mention fisting in this guide for two specific reasons:
The people who enjoy fisting speak of it in almost reverential tones for the kind of ``cosmic'' experience it can produce. Very few other sex acts get described this way.
Anal fisting may essentially be a new sex act, which did not exist in any real capacity prior to its emergence in the United States during the 20th century. Unless you count sex toys (new designs for which are invented all the time), you must admit it's not that often a completely new act makes its way onto the sexual menu: oral sex, anal sex, and every imaginable sexual position are all as old as the hills, but not this. To me that makes it significant: anal fisting just may be an American original, the sexual equivalent of jazz, baseball, or apple pie.
Right now (barring an actual workshop on the subject, which even in the BDSM community is surprisingly rare...), the best way for you and your partner to learn about fisting is from one of the available books on the subject: there's one currently in print on anal fisting.
Body Image and Lifestyle
It's difficult to enjoy sex if your attitude towards your body is so negative that you don't even like being reminded that you have it. I've been there. But by the same token, it's also difficult to enjoy sex if your lifestyle and/or general level of physical fitness is so unhealthy that you're continually too tired to even want sex. I've been there as well. It's not difficult these days to find particularly strident activists who seem to believe that there are no negative consequences to extreme obesity, and that any discomfort you may experience as a result is purely the result of societal discrimination. Similarly, it's not that difficult to find people who are unhappy with their bodies no matter what they look like or how physically fit they may be.
Having personally struggled with both sides of this issue, the only solution I've found so far involves a little bit of effort on each side: getting regular muscle-strengthening exercise (e.g. weight lifting or cycling) and following a nutritious diet, simply because these are fundamental aspects of self-care necessary for physical health, and then once I've made those things habits to work on ``feeling comfortable with my body as it is'' --- because at that point I've separated the legitimate health concerns from the aesthetic judgments.
The Benefits of Regular Exercise
Although how you live your life is a personal matter, as a sex-positive activist I feel it's my duty to point out the positive effects which regular exercise (particularly something which makes the body's muscular or cardiovascular systems stronger) can have on one's sex life:
In the long term, getting regular exercise may help combat the kind of low-level physical weariness which might otherwise leave you too tired to have sex at the end of the evening. Some studies suggest regular exercise can help combat mild (i.e. non-clinical) levels of depression, which may mean you get back some of the libido which persistent mild depression could otherwise cost you.
Staying active can help improve overall health, which is significant in that eventually poor overall health (especially poor cardiovascular health) can negatively impact sexual functioning. Keeping your body strong can help you maintain bone and muscle health well into old age, meaning that you presumably have a better chance of maintaining a healthy sex life well into old age. It has been my experience that exercise makes my body feel better, and more alive. This makes the thought of doing anything physical with it, including sexual activities, more appealing: unlike any of the ``aphrodisiacs'' you're told about via spam e-mail, or which you may have heard unfounded rumors about, exercise appears to be something that actually works.
Feeling Better About Your Body
The following are several different techniques people have used to start feeling better about their bodies. I should reiterate that in my experience techniques such as these work best when you've already made steps towards more healthful living, so that you're not mired in potentially legitimate concerns about how you're living your life at the same time as you're hoping to deal with any cruel and unfair judgments you may have about how your body looks. Obviously, the following techniques are intended only to address the latter.
No Longer Putting Yourself Down
Speaking from experience, there's an attitude which often comes with poor body image to the effect that ``I'd better put myself down before anyone else thinks I actually feel good about looking this way.'' The problem is that not only does this just practice the same negative feelings about your body which you hopefully want to free yourself of, but it also puts the people you talk to in an uncomfortable position: involving them in your discomfort without their consent. Additionally, it's worth noting: putting yourself down is not sexy ... ever.
Taking Your Partner's Point of View
When you fantasize about making love with someone, is part of your fantasy that person being glum and putting themself down? Or would you prefer to imagine that person happy with themselves and sexually confident?
Getting a Therapeutic Massage
There's something about non-sexual therapeutic massage (specifically a relaxing full-body massage) that makes the body feel more ``connected,'' and helps combat whatever distorted image of it you may have. Granted, this may not be a permanent solution, but everyone needs a break now and again.
Feeling Attractive and Sexually Satisfied at Any Size
Confidence means much, much more to how attractive other people find you than you probably imagine. As over the years I've watched some of my more confident --- but less ``traditionally'' attractive --- friends get all the partners they can handle, and some of my less confident friends with more ``ideal'' body types end up struggling to find dates, this is the only conclusion I can come to.
There are flattering clothing styles for any size, and in fact some styles which work better for larger folks (think of the voluptuous look of some of the actresses in old movies, or of Tony Soprano in some of his tailored suits). It's actually surprising what a difference it can make to have clothes which fit you, and which you feel you look good in: putting this off for later is usually a mistake.
With so many sexual acts and positions to choose from, there's no reason to get hung up on what your body doesn't find comfortable: just pick the things you are comfortable with, and don't judge yourself for it.
The BDSM community is the probably the second-largest of the mixed-gender sex-positive communities. In a way, the story of the swing community and the BDSM community is a bit like one of those science fiction novels where two worlds develop in parallel until they finally meet: each community began in the United States around the same time (though admittedly the BDSM community was originally a male-only phenomenon), each has a need for space to host their events in, each has national conferences and a culture of their own, and each has sex-positivity as its basis.
Cultural highlights of the modern BDSM community include its emphasis on inclusiveness (i.e. it's difficult to think of a sexual behavior, sexual orientation, or gender identity involving consenting adults which could not find a place somewhere within it), safety (i.e. through “safewords'' and extensive safety / safer sex precautions), and education (i.e. to the point where workshops and discussion groups often seem every bit as important to a local community's social fabric as its BDSM parties).
The ``polyamory'' community consists of people who are open to the possibility of at least some form of responsible non-monogamy (or possibly even additional long-term love relationships) within the context of their existing partnerships. For example, rather than two people presenting themselves socially as a ``couple,'' you might see three people presenting themselves socially as a ``triad.'' Or, you might meet two people who have a ``primary'' relationship with each other (and who may be married and live together), but who each have the ability to more casually date another person if their partner is OK with their choice.
Two of the cultural cornerstones of the polyamory community are honesty and communication: it's expected that you and your existing long-term partner(s) will have talked over what you're comfortable with and what you aren't comfortable with, and that nobody is going around behind anyone else's back.
It's worth emphasizing that this is a bit different from some of the other communities mentioned in this guide, as it's based more on sharing a particular life perspective than it is on specific events or venues. Also, sex isn't necessarily the focus: it's common to find groups of more than two people who are living together, and seeking to build a long-term future together, of which sex is only one part of their relationship.
Bathhouses and Sex Clubs
These venues are controversial even within the gay community, and there remain concerns about the degree to which they serve as a vector for STD transmission (at least when safer sex is not being practiced). At a minimum, the following is clear: neglecting safer sex at one of them can be a very, very bad idea. At best think of them as fantasy venues, and stick to your safer sex standards like glue.
It's worth noting that there are several ``well lit'' venues of this nature in San Francisco which may be a little different than the typical norm: ``Eros'' is currently one popular example.
``J/O'' Parties
Many cities have clubs that host men's ``Jerk Off'' parties, which may serve as a safer alternative for men who would have otherwise been inclined towards the baths. It's a chance to be in an all-male, sexually charged environment, where typically the rules forbid the kinds of sex which would put anyone at risk.
One later innovation was the emergence of mixed-gender versions of these events, originally hosted in the San Francisco area (at the time known as ``Mother Goose'' parties, a pun on ``Jack and Jill'' in the sense of ``Jacking Off and Jilling Off''). Although the original ``Mother Goose'' events are no longer held, in the Portland, OR area Darklady's annual ``Masturbate-a-thon'' events are a contemporary equivalent.
Fetish Communities
For the most part it isn't helpful to spend too much time worrying about whether a particular fetish is ``normal'': it's a wide, wide world, and it's hard to see how whether the people who (inevitably) share your interest happen to live anywhere near you has anything to do with whether your interest is inherently healthy or not.
Perhaps the only meaningful questions are whether it's objectively harmful to your physical health, whether there are any possible scenarios in which anyone other than another consenting adult could be impacted, and whether your basic peace of mind remains intact (i.e. you aren't constantly wishing to be free of thoughts of your fetish, and you aren't doing things you regret the next day).
The Most Common Fetishes
Leather, rubber, latex, or PVC clothing, and corsets, are some of the more common fetish clothing items. In the case of leather and rubber/latex/PVC this is a popular enough interest to where there exist entire conventions for people who share it.
If you're into exotic clothing you may find your area's BDSM community events to be a good place to dress up, though if you feel you fit in with a 20's crowd the goth club scene might be another possibility.
Entire stores and mail-order enterprises support people who are into shoes, and ``foot worship'' is a very common fetish activity for people who are into either shoes and/or feet. It may not be common enough to easily support conventions devoted just to this one interest, as may be the case with leather or rubber clothing, but it's close.
The reality is that there are more different kinds of fetishes described just on the internet than can be easily numbered, and by the time you enumerate them all even more would be invented. In fact, I believe it's pointless to even try to list them: if there's anything outside the mainstream that occurs in your fantasies, then it probably occurs in the fantasies of others, and if you search the internet long enough you'll probably find a whole online community with its own jargon and FAQs which shares that particular fetish. Seriously, it almost feels like a principle from quantum mechanics: creation through observation.
This will probably burst some bubbles. Those bubbles being blown were fragile to begin with.
I am a strong dominating top man. I enjoy getting my prostate rubbed. My mate had problems with that first couple of years. He was not interested in accomodating that pleasure for me until we started having 3 way sex with other men. He saw the pleasure it gave me. Once he realized how unhappy I really was not having him inside me that mindset changed.
Much of what he was feeling he did not communicate to me. He felt that because he was a bottom he might not be able to play to my expectations and please me. He discovered his dominant side quickly. Our relationship has improved greatly. We rarely play with anyone now unless he feels he needs to practice something new on someone else first. I allow that to happen. We do a lot of role playing and switch during our sexual play. Neither of us have a desire for anyone except for each other.
I enjoy getting fucked by my mate. We don't have to worry about transmitting STDs anymore. His self esteem and self confidence is also so much better. My self confidence strengthened from this as well.
We both ride bitch. Could care less about others' delicate egos. Those who try to impress others about their manhood with their "I am a man and don't get fucked" really aren't men. They didn't get HIV from Burger King either!
When one finds a mate, he usually sees the shared interests, or the common ground that each of them has at first. Later in the relationship, each learns the other more completely, discovering interests that perhaps aren't shared. Embrace these differences to build an even better relationship. For example, one may have been into some bdsm play and the other not and may have had little interest. I encourage you to explore and learn something about that other person. You may find you like some of it, but not all, and even some things your mate may not like. Whether the differences are music, literature, sex play, or culture, learning about those things we are less familiar with make for time together and a better understanding of the other person. And you will therefore find a more mature love.
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