February 27, 2008 SEXUALITY & LIFESTYLE - ADDICTIONS II - SEX
“Must we include our preferred sexual position in our screen name? Where did the mystery of getting to know someone casually go?” Taken from a new poll & and a damned good one! What follows below was taken from one of our recent blogs and additional reading was taken off the net. I would also like to note that the small icons in our main photo ARE NOT from our members – these were taken from THOSE who decided to be ignorant of our rules and chose to test our moderation of this community. The contribution below is from the recent blog of our MusicMan Chance aka rawrhydernyc. (THANK YOU!) --- Editor
“I’ve been intending on composing and posting something that some people may find beneficial.This is not meant to be judgmental by no means nor point the finger at anyone in particular. I just felt it necessary to post something serious and hopefully thought provoking.”
Why? I have been around for an eternity and have seen all sorts of behavior from within our community. I realized that I was gay at a fairly young age and found myself thrust into the epicenter of that lifestyle/experience back during the good ol’ days of being queer. Growing up in New York City and having access to the Manhattan scene, and working in the bar industry, I witnessed a lot. As the bar scene started to fade away with the advent of computers and online interaction, it basically morphed into another method for men to play the same games, except it was no longer necessary to go to the restaurant to pick up the entrée, you could have it delivered.
So, I wanted to share a few passages from the first publishing of “Love Between Men” which correlate with why I wanted to write this entry because no matter where I look today it seems, someone is writing about this burning need they have to be coupled up with a partner --- so let’s get the ball rolling.
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The concept of sexual compulsion wasn’t discussed very much in the gay community prior to AIDS. At the beginning of the epidemic, we were encouraged to have safer sex and decrease our sexual contacts. But if we have safe sex, what difference does it make how many men we have sex with? These suggestions appeared to be thinly disguised attempts to encourage us to have monogamous relationships, instead of spreading AIDS. So it’s not surprising that gay men would be wary of the recent wave of concern over compulsive sex and romantic addictions.
Yet some gay men feel caught in a cycle of unsatisfying sexual contacts and want to stop the compulsive patterns that leave them emotionally unfulfilled. We can give each other support to recognize and deal with sexual compulsion, while still challenging homophobic and sex-negative attitudes in the surrounding culture.
Sexual Compulsion
Because AIDS has been used as an excuse to stifle sexual exploration, it’s important to distinguish what we mean by “sexual compulsion” from arbitrary moral judgments. What defines a compulsion is not so much the specific behavior as how we engage in that behavior. We can do practically anything in a compulsive manner. Compulsive sex doesn’t differ a great deal from addictions such as alcohol and substance abuse, or from other compulsions such as eating disorders or working too much. When you decide to go out to eat, stay late at work, have a drink, or make love, you’re able to weigh these choices against other interests. But when you feel compelled to do any of these things, chances are that you’re using these activities to ward off feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.
When you subordinate other interests and activities to obtain sexual gratification, you may feel excited at the moment, but you probably won’t feel satisfied. Compulsive sex (or any other activity you feel compelled to do) doesn’t address your basic need to feel better about yourself. You may obtain some relief through sexual pleasure, yet the furtive nature of the contact makes it unlikely that you’ll develop relationships that could help you work through underlying feelings.
Compulsive sex is an attempt to escape from emotional pain. This pain may come from growing up in a dysfunctional family in which you were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused, or it may result from internalized homophobia, social isolation, or major losses. If you never had a relationship with a supportive adult who could listen to you and help you work through these feelings, you may have developed various compulsions to ward them off: alcohol, drugs, overeating, sex or relationship addictions.
Dealing with sexual compulsion is not a question of correcting character defects or responding to moralistic judgments about multiple partners. Recovery from compulsive behavior is a path toward healing from painful feelings, rather than acting out your pain through self-destructive compulsions.
Signs Of Sexual Compulsion
1. He may have low self-esteem. He may be unaware of having a poor self-image, but he puts himself in dangerous situations by engaging in high-risk behavior.
2. He lacks confidence in his ability to form intimate relationships. He may be successful in using sex to attract others, but doubts their interest in him emotionally. Some men have a lover but still seek sexual adventures on the side, or use the relationship itself as an addiction.
3. He uses sex to decrease pain. He has a hard time dealing with sadness or conflict. When he feels let down, or other people are making demands on him, he seeks out sex to escape from his feelings.
4. He tends not to discriminate between partners. He may be looking for a certain body type, rather than an actual person, so almost anyone who fits his fantasy image will do.
5. He avoids emotional risks. He tends to remain anonymous, because he’s not really interested in getting to know a sexual contact as a real person. Even talking might jolt him out of his fantasy.
6. He loses control over how often he seeks sexual outlets. It no longer feels like a choice; he begins to feel bad if he doesn’t keep a constant stream of sexual contacts or pornography.
7. He doesn’t stop when he’s satisfied—he can’t really be satisfied. He depends on sex for gratification of other needs. He’s similar to the person who still feels hungry when he has had enough to eat: what he’s hungry for is emotional sustenance, not food or sex. He can’t be satisfied, because he’s not really taking care of his underlying emotional needs.
8. He uses sex to increase pleasure. Even when his life is going well, he always wants more; he’s never satisfied; it’s never enough. It’s difficult for him to simply experience his emotions, whether they’re painful or pleasurable.
9. He subordinates important aspects of his life to his search for sexual contacts. As work and friendships suffer from his neglect, his life becomes increasingly unmanageable.
10. In the later stages, even the sexual contact may no longer be pleasurable. Like the addict who loses control in substance abuse, he needs continued sexual contacts simply to prevent the emergence of painful feelings.
In summary, as the author stated, you can really substitute any human behavior for ‘sexual compulsion’ – and as I mentioned previously, it seems that many gay men are on some conquest to find that person they feel who will make them complete. Instead of realizing that they need to really be happy with themselves first before they can appreciate that person they so desperately seek. Until they realize that no one needs anyone other than himself or herself to be whole, they will continue to go through life on that endless search for the perfect complement. And continue to bad mouth the one they just broke up with because they didn’t meet every little expectation that is already too high for anyone to meet to begin with. Look deep within yourself and decide your motivation for acting a certain way, desiring a certain thing, or whatever you hunger for. Step back and realize that nothing is more pressing than living another day of life. If it’s meant to be, you will meet THE ONE when the time is right. If not, learn that life goes on whether or not he enters your life, you get that new car, new TV – or whatever is burning holes in you. The same goes for sex. There is more to life than trying to get the next man in your bed.
And we’re getting high, high, high
Double or nothing
The dice collide
Stakes are getting high, high, high
Double or nothing
We’ll let love ride
Is it really lonely, when the game begins?
Give you a head start, if you deal me in…
If you really love me, so take the fall
We could be winners, if we risk it all…
The articles below came from http://gaylife.about.com/od/sexaddiction/a/sexaddiction.htm
Can’t We All Just Get Along?
From Joe Kort, MSW
Gay Business
It’s said that a prophet is without honor in his own country. We gays and lesbians don’t have our own nation, let alone recognized "prophets" in our communities. As a group—leaders, organizations and businesses— we dishonor each other. I hear gays and lesbians say things like: "Isn’t it great that straight business is reaching out to the GLBT community," and literally in the same breath, "Can you believe that GLBT businesses are trying to make money off us?" and "Who does that business think it is, trying to be in the forefront of the gay community?"
This is internalized homophobia (hereafter, IH), which occurs whenever GLBT people direct external homophobia at themselves and others in their community.
IH is growing as more and more GLBT businesses courageously hang their shingles as "out and open." IH makes us distance ourselves from others in our community, dismissing them as too gay-acting, too out, or too political.
For years now, we’ve seen GLBT organizations experience internal conflicts and "disorganization" with each other. These organizations argue—internally and externally— about who has the correct ideas, direction, concepts and plans. Differences in opinion lead to some individuals splitting off and creating their own organizations, which then compete with the original one.
The psychological and social reasons for this originate in how we GLBT’s learn our sense of belonging, identity, and competence. Many other minorities have the same tendency to attack one another for similar reasons. This is called lateral discrimination: The minority group internalizes the presumed superiority of the larger society and individuals in the group act out toward one another.
Belonging
From childhood, we gays and lesbians are denied a sense of belonging. Having to conform to heterosexual models, we don’t automatically learn, as do our heterosexual counterparts, to establish community and togetherness amongst each other.
Other minorities have families who support them and give them a sense of belonging amongst their own minority. Oprah Winfrey talks about the first time she saw the Supremes on television and yelling to her family, "Colored people are on TV, colored people are on TV!" She and her family watched these three beautiful black women singing and wearing beautiful clothes in ways that African-Americans weren’t usually depicted on television.
At least Oprah had her family to run to and feel a sense of belonging. Unlike other minorities, we have no one to provide that support! In our own families, we are still a minority. We’re born into an enemy camp, heterosexual families, and go to heterosexual boot camp for at least 18 years.
Identity
Understandably, we humans label ourselves—and each other—as a way to achieve a sense of identity. And within these labels—particularly gender labels--we are expected to act and think a certain way. GLBT children don’t get the same support as heterosexual boys and girls. The girls hear, "You have to wear this dress," and the boys are told, "Don’t act like a girl." When I was young, I used to put my sister’s black tights on my head and sing into a hairbrush, pretending I was Cher! My mother grabbed those tights off my head and told me, "Little boys cannot be Cher." The bottom line is, we have to establish our identities on our own, with no help from others in learning to be who we are.
Our differences are not respected from childhood. Therefore, we do not accept each other’s differences as adults. How then can we be expected to accept each other’s differences within our GLBT community and businesses?
Competence
One of the biggest factors contributing to negativity toward gay businesses is the wound gay and lesbian children receive around the competence stage of development. Everyone needs to feel that what they think and do is worthwhile. If children don’t get this impression from caretakers and/or authority figures, they often grow up to feel incompetent and/or uncompetitive. Gay children are taught that the way they think, act and feel is wrong. How can we support each other if we have no confidence in ourselves?
The other way competence wounds are acted out are by becoming competitive. I am not talking about healthy competitiveness--I am talking about fierce, vicious competition. One business might come out against the other, overtly or covertly doing subtle things to undermine the company.
I often see this among gay and lesbian businesses, and the worst part is that there is no need to feel threatened or competitive. The competitiveness demonstrated is from that person’s or business’ past wounds.
The Enemy Among Us
It’s wonderful that our community has multiple organizations, businesses, and support groups. The answer is not necessarily to join together and create a single one, but to allow communication and dialogue among the various businesses. We need to honor our own competence and each other’s, and support one another by checking on dates of each other’s events, national and local, held by businesses similar to our own when we can. We should talk to each other about how to stand together for our common good and not feel threatened by one another. What an impact our GLBT businesses could make if we put our heads together and supported each other, allowing for more than one reality and honored each other’s viewpoints. Isn’t that exactly what we’re asking from those outside of our community?
I’d like to end this article with a quote from author and motivational speaker Alan Cohen: "Instead of going to scare city [scarcity], have a bun dance [abundance]!"
Joe Kort, MSW, is a psychotherapist and coach in the Detroit, MI area and author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives. He can be reached at joekort@joekort.com, or go to www.joekort.com.
Cruise Control : Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men
From Joe Kort, MSW
Book Review
No, this book isn’t about how to control Tom Cruise— although he needs some, given his ignorant advice that no one should take prescribed medication for depression. This is a long-awaited and much-anticipated book for gay male sex addicts.
After specializing in sexual addiction for over 20 years, I finally have a resource to give to my gay male clients who are struggling with sexual compulsivity. Twenty-five years ago, Patrick Carnes wrote his book, Out of the Shadows through a heterosexual male lens. Following that came a book by Charlotte Kasl for sexually addicted women. And now, Robert Weiss, MSW—author, psychotherapist and a colleague of mine in the field of sexual addiction— does a fine job illustrating how this addiction manifests among gay men.
Sensitive to how the gay male community will receive this book, he makes it known quickly in Chapter One that he is not pathologizing gay sex and that "sexual addiction is not really about sex at all." This is important because as a sexual addiction specialist myself, I often hear gay men dismiss the whole idea of sexual addiction as simply a bigoted ploy to further marginalize gay men and their sexual behavior.
Weiss defines sexual addiction in terms of what healthy sexuality is not about—namely obsession, compulsion, trance-like-states, and repeated poor judgment for one’s physical, emotional and legal safety.
Sexual addiction leaves the sufferer feeling lonely and ashamed, disconnected and isolated—the exact reverse of what healthy sexual expression will provide. As Weiss explains, "Anyone can experience negative consequences that relate to sex; bad things sometimes just happen. But sex addicts are risk-takers. The law of probability dictates that the more frequently you take risks, the more likely it is that you will reap severe consequences as a result of your sexual behavior." Cruise Control helps gay readers determine whether or not they are sexually addicted, why some gay men are at risk to become sex addicts, and what the compulsion is really all about. The second half of his book is about the recovery process—individually and with a partner. The partner needs to recover from his feelings of betrayal and deceit at his partner’s behavior; his recovery process includes rebuilding trust.
Weiss’ book also addresses love addiction, which was being used in the 1980s as a label for those jumping from one new relationship to another. Both personally and professionally, I thought Addictionologists had gone too far and that the term addiction was losing its meaning. But today, I understand exactly why behavioral problems involving sex, love and gambling are described as addictions. Individuals can become addicted to the internal chemicals that exist within us all, which are released when acting out certain behaviors. These internal mood-enhancers which include adrenaline, phenylethylamine, and dopamine, provoke feelings of being high and euphoric. You literally are in an altered state, because you have released a host of internalized drugs into your bloodstream. In all too many cases, the release of these natural drugs becomes associated with the specific behaviors that triggered them. The more risk, fear, and danger people experience, the stronger some of these chemicals become.
To this chemical high, add negative beliefs and shame about one’s self based on internalized homophobia, low self-esteem, poor body image (gay men do tend to strive for the perfect body), and you become vulnerable to a sexual addiction. Sex becomes the means for coping with (and distracting from) stress, so daily life is viewed through a testosterone screen.
Weiss addresses gay men’s increasingly widespread use of methamphetamine—“crystal meth,” or “Tina”— and how the highly addictive substance can accelerate or even provoke sexually compulsive behavior. This is a crucial part of his book for me, since I witness crystal meth’s negative effects every day in my practice. Gay men come to me after having risked HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, ruining their lives, losing their partners, their jobs, often their families and even themselves.
Weiss argues that while individual psychological issues and a neurological predisposition to addiction contribute to sexual compulsivity, there are also cultural risks contributing to the gay sex addict’s continuous acting out.
He states it is not homosexuality itself, or how we behave sexually as gay men. Instead he writes "with a cultural background of dramatically greater sexual freedoms than those usually enjoyed by his heterosexual peers... the urban gay man is in some ways a prisoner of his own freedoms."
I recommend this book to every gay man who wants to rule out the possibility that he—or a potential partner--might be sexually compulsive. I also recommend it for partners of sexual addicts to learn about their own recovery process, knowing that they, themselves, have issues as well. Cruise Control should be on the bookshelf of every gay man as well as any therapist who works with gay men.
Dust Bunnies in Your Closet
From Joe Kort
Coming Out/Gay Pride
Recently, a high school in Troy, Michigan made the news when the Detroit area Lesbian and Gay Community Center created a sign depicting people from all walks of life, with the heading, "Gays and Lesbians are Everyday People." Some parents wanted it taken down because it "promotes homosexuality." Thankfully, the Troy school board is allowing it to stay up.
These parents are sending the message that there’s something wrong with showing gays and lesbians as everyday people. Even if it were "promoting homosexuality" (which it’s not), what’s wrong with that? And how do gay children and teenagers feel knowing that some people want it—and by extension, them—removed? This only encourages those gay teenagers to stay in the closet, hiding not just their sexual and romantic orientation.
There is much more at risk.
As Gay Pride Month approaches, with festivals, parades, dances, bar and movie nights, those dust bunnies lingering in our closets cause some sneezing. Most gays and lesbians don’t realize that just because you come out with your sexual and romantic orientation doesn’t mean you are finished coming out. Also locked away in your closet is internalized homophobia, which takes many forms—and Gay Pride celebrations can bring them out quickly.
Clients tell me they’re depressed and unhappy that coming out hasn’t been as good as promised by pridefests and National Coming Out Day. They go to Gay Pride events, but don’t enjoy them. They wrongly assume it’s because they have come out, which is not the real issue. In reality, those things locked away in their closets before they came out are causing the problems. Gay pride can be bittersweet: It can feel good and celebratory, but also be troubling and bring up unresolved feelings about being gay.
When gay males see other shirtless males proudly exhibiting their torsos, the dust bunnies start to fly bodies. Many of my gay clients feel inferior about how their bodies look, and seeing so many hot guys triggers their low self-esteem. Other gays and lesbians complain about "stereotypical" behavior such as men cruising one another, some dressed as drag queens or kings, dykes on bikes, leather daddies, effeminate gay men and masculine lesbian and say folks at these events are "giving gays a bad name." These internalized homophobic dust bunnies need a good vacuuming.
Others see lesbian and gay youth at the pride celebrations and regret for not having come out sooner. It’s normal to regret how long it took you and be aware of your normative grief, but to beat yourself up over it is more about your unresolved dust bunnies.
Some couples go these events and feel tempted to cheat or flirt excessively, causing problems in their relationships. Concern about one’s partner’s eyes wandering too much can cause tension and difficult feelings. After attending a pride event, many think about breaking up with their partners, believing that from what they saw at the festivities, there are better chances out there.
And finally, if you are gay or lesbian and single, not having met someone after all of the celebration can make you think there’s no one out there right for you, and that you’re destined to be single forever.
These illusions arise from celebrations that try to unpack a lifetime of repression in a day, a weekend or even one month! Here are some ways to care of yourself during gay pride events:
1. If you persist in feeling badly about yourself, leave the festivities for a while—or for good. Comparing your insides with someone else’s outsides can never benefit your self-esteem.
2. If it bothers you to notice your partner’s eye roaming, tell him or her. If the conflict persists, take a time out to talk about it and decide—together!—if you should both stay or leave.
3. Keep your drinking to a minimum. When alcohol is involved, people do and say things they’d never dream of ordinarily. Pace yourself and use booze to enhance the celebration, not become it.
4. If you have a strong reaction—either positive or negative—to others at the celebrations, remember that it’s most likely about you. Strong reactive judgments are usually 90% about you and 10% about whomever you‘re judging. Explore what this reaction says about you.
5. Volunteer for one of the gay organizations’ booths. Keep focused on how Gay Pride is about moving forward to keep gay spirit positive.
6. Go with friends. If feelings grow difficult, even overwhelming, you’ll have someone to talk to.
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