Many of us out there are looking to connect with others for various reasons. For some it may simply be general support in coping with those issues and problems that come up in our daily lives. Others are simply looking for new friends and buddies. A few may be looking for change in a lifestyle that has brought them down – substance/alcohol abuse, self esteem issues that have resulted out of peer/societal pressure, peer support for depression, anger and other frustrations, are at the top of that list. Others may simply be wishing to share their joys. Then there are those looking for that someone special in their Life or the lucky few who already have someone. Regardless of what you are looking for out of this community or other social networking, be it on the Internet or face to face with other likeminded POZ men, we all have come to some turning point in our lives when we want to make a change.
To kick off a new series of member submitted articles I wish to reintroduce two articles that I posted after opening this community last October. The following two articles are from “professionals” and are generalized a bit. I figured this would be a good way to kickstart something much better – the real “professionals” are US. I believe that in the sharing of our own personal Life experiences we can help each other to effect whatever change we may be looking for. Many of you have already started doing that. Sharing your thoughts in blogging and/or group posts. Sharing photos of the beauty around you or of images that spark joy and warmth within you. Sharing music and videos that express what you feel.
As a community moderator and a member I have received private messages from others here who have shared with me HOW YOUR POSTS & UPLOADS have sparked a new stepping stone for them. Your contributions are greatly appreciated and I welcome them very much. You are truly making a difference to some really wonderful men Keep them coming fellas! THANK YOU VERY MUCH GUYS! Jim
“Perceptions and expectations we all experience. My perceptions are mine and yours are yours – those perceptions may not always be what we perceive of the other. If we communicate we may discover a newfound awareness. If we do not we may be blinded. It is ok for us to “agree to disagree.” It is in our sharing we truly bond. I only have two expectations of people, they be themselves and they hold onto what they believe in – causing no harm to themselves and to others.” the dingo
“The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of the same family grow up under the same roof.” Richard Bach Illusions
“LOVE TALKS” by Sharon Milan
You're in love. Or you want to be. Or you were, but somehow you two act more like strangers these days. What starts out so grand and transforming too often sinks to a disappointing or ugly level. What happens? Perhaps our greatest challenge, our hardest task in life is to be a good partner to another person. It's easy at first, of course. We can't imagine how anything could change our feelings. This time is different: This time it will work. We can hardly touch the ground; we can hardly not touch each other. Our lovely, romantic glasses are rose colored to the max. We feel healed and whole.
What Nature uses to bring us together is a wonderful undiscerning blindness with a passion that rocks the world. Blemishes in ourselves or in our Beloved are invisible or irresistible. As are thorny issues such as difficult families, money problems, health issues, friends in need, job pressures. In love, we feel powerful enough to handle anything! If you're able to let yourself go in this way, be proud you can give your heart so fully. Some can't. Some are so heart-battered that they don't dare taken another chance; some so world-weary that they scoff at the excesses and wonderments of Romantic Love. They don't give themselves - or that cutie over there - a chance. Sadly, others are alone when they'd rather share their pillow and tomorrow night's leftovers with another soul. But for this month's column, let's assume that you can love - or that you did and now it's not working very well. What are the potholes and roadblocks to keeping a sizzle in your eye and words of love on your hot lips? Or how do you get back to such enjoyments?
The Absolutely Necessary Seven
We'll start with the Absolutely Necessary Seven: Respect, Compassion, Acceptance, Patience, Passion, and Devotion. Plus Communication. If you think of your very best friend or people you've been really close to in your sweet life, I think you'll agree you had these things going for you. Here's the picture: You respect one another's opinions, differences, and right to live your own lives as best you see fit. You feel for each other when one of you hurts, is treated unfairly, or slides down into the dumps. You truly accept each other. (What a miracle of grace!) Not that you always understand or agree - that's different. We often don't, in our heart of hearts, even when we adore the person. But you each accept the other, weaknesses as well as strengths, failures alongside the fantastic. You are patient, not critical and demanding. Passion is a driver - you love being together, sharing ideas and experiences, going places, or just hanging. You look forward to spending time in each other's company. It's a Big Deal; you come away feeling filled up and happy. While the idea of devotion might seem old-fashioned, it's also an important component. You two devote time and energy to each other; you're in the same corner. In other words, you can count on each other.
The Problem with Communication
Now, doesn't this sound grand? Add physical passion and it's the cat's meow, the real deal, the quintessential. All you need to keep it going is the hardest thing in the world: Communication.
Why is that so difficult? What's so threatening about telling someone how you really feel? Who you really are? It's difficult because we all have our fears and our insecurities. All of us. Remember the adage "Don't judge someone else's insides by their outsides"? Well, don't! No matter how polished or cool or together someone appears, remember that he/she has an emotional Achilles heel. Even when they deny it, and even when they think they don't.
When we fall in love, we don't want our Main Squeeze to go away. We're super-hyper-sensitive to rejection. The other person counts, sometimes more than anyone else, and more than we want them to. We are vulnerable. This takes us back to our very young years when we depended upon great big Mommy and Daddy to love little us. To protect and provide for our enormous, constant, and important needs.
If you were very, very lucky, you got most of your needs met most of the time. (Nobody gets everything all the time - something to remember in our adult lives.) If you were harmed as a child, your needs may be quite powerful and scary to admit. Perhaps you're looking for someone to make up for what you missed.
Whatever our personal histories, each of us comes to romantic love with our own strengths, hopes, and insecurities. We are, once again, vulnerable. When living with HIV/AIDS, these vulnerabilities are magnified enormously. Emotions, fears, and needs can become huge and feel very overwhelming! So how do you make things work? How do you, as a couple, keep it all going? The major key is communication: how you talk and act with each other; what your words and your body language say. Let's look first at the How Not To list because so many of us do these very naughty things.
How Not to Communicate
If you would like to fail at communication - and not get what you want - try any and all of the following:
* Raising your voice * Name-calling * Not listening * One Up-ing * Interrupting or talking over * One-line zingers * Watching TV while talking * The Cold Shoulder * Accusations * Sarcasm * Betraying confidences
* Trying to change the other person * Drumming your fingers while the other person talks * Ridicule or insults * Saying "You're just like your Father" or "You act exactly like your Mother!" * Planning what to say as soon as the other person shuts up * The Silent Treatment * Threats (physical or emotional) * Withholding affection and/or sex
As you've already guessed, opposite tactics will help create the context in which you and your lovely can productively and effectively sort things out. Your best shot at solutions will be a result of practicing the Absolutely Necessary Seven components we discussed: Respect, Compassion, Acceptance, Patience, Passion, Devotion, and Communication.
Clearing the Air
What does this actually look like? For starters, stuff gets dealt with on a regular basis. Instead of hoarding your hurt feelings or lugging around a sack of resentments, you take a deep breath and try to clear the air when the issue first comes up. Or you practice damage control by sitting down each week to clear the air of any misunderstandings. You'll have to experiment together to figure out what suits the two of you.
Work with your personality style. If you have hot buttons that send you to the ceiling, you might need time to cool down before you bring up the subject. If you toss and twist and turn until everything's right between you and yours, you might prefer speaking up sooner. If your grab-bag of hurts is overflowing, maybe you can work together a little at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day, and you can't dismantle a long history of resentments in one sitting.
Without a parameter, people hurl their histories at each other like there's no tomorrow. To prevent this, some couples set a time limit for each discussion, then make an "appointment" for the next sorting out. This can work quite well: both partners know ahead of time that they don't have to do this little number way into the wee hours when they'd rather be in a much different position.
When communicating, it's useful to think in terms of partner dancing. If you aggress (lurch forward), your partners will either aggress back at you (come at you) or defend (step back). I'd call this a War Dance. If you speak in a calm, respectful way, your partner can stay in place, with a more accepting attitude. Then you have the best chance of really hearing and understanding each other.
Say What?
Certain ways of phrasing can work magic. Below are some goals with two ways to express them. Notice the difference in your gut as you say them to yourself.
* Goal: to resolve a sticky issue - When would you be willing to talk about this? - I know you never want to talk to me about anything, but you have no choice this time.
* Goal: to convey a need to feel understood - I think I understand your position. And I'd like you to understand mine. - You never get it, do you?
* Goal: to get your partner's attention - Honey, I'm not feeling listened to. - You never pay any attention to me.
* Goal: to stop your partner from interrupting - I haven't finished my sentence yet. (Or, I want to finish what I have to say.) - You're just like your father - always interrupting!
* Goal: to stop one-up behaviors - I don't like being treated as a child. (Or, I'd like to feel respected in this.) - Yeah, Know-It-All, you always think you're right.
* Goal: to get back on track, the subject at hand - That is another issue. I'm willing to talk about that after we complete this. - You can't ever keep anything straight, can you? We weren't even talking about that.
* Goal: to get the problem neutralized rather than being one person's fault - How can we both resolve this? - Well, you brought it up, so you take care of it.
* Goal: to acknowledge a stalemate - Maybe we'll have to agree to disagree. - I can't even imagine that you can't handle this.
* Goal: to underscore the right to state one's position - I don't want to offend you, but I also want to express my opinion. - I don't give a rat's ass about your feelings!
You get the idea. It's that Absolutely Necessary Seven in the flesh. This whole Communication thing incorporates them.
Written by Sharon Milan. Originally published in Positive Threads February 1995. (Sharon Milan is a licensed psychotherapist)
FROM Mike Tyoran comes this 2nd article:
All partner relationships require a considerable amount of time and work to keep them vibrant and growing. Relationships can be challenging under the best of circumstances and can bring out the worst as well as the best in anyone. But the specter of HIV can further strain any relationship. Other than issues of safe sex and bereavement, the psycho-social/sexual needs of persons living with AIDS (PLWAs) and in a partner relationship have been somewhat overlooked. This oversight may be the result of the tremendous amount of energy and resources needed just for the prevention and treatment of HIV. Other than medical management of the disease, there are few topics more important to PLWAs than partner relationships-whether to initiate a new one or sustain an existing one.
There are few factors which can enhance the immune system more than social support. While the support of family and friends is extremely helpful, the support of a partner, particularly in a time of crisis, can be invaluable and even life-sustaining. Two people are able to work through their core issues and fears together. The resulting bond further deepens their commitment and results in psychological and spiritual growth, not to mention mind-body healing. Communication is the key.
Partners, regardless of their individual HIV status, have long been advised to practice safe sex. Even when both partners are HIV, it is still not clear just how much re-exposure to the virus is necessary for advancement to the disease state. Couples are advised to use condoms and to try new and safer ways of sexual expression and affection.
Some partners lose interest in sex for various reasons. Illness can make anyone less interested in sex, and sometimes less physically responsive. Some medications result in decreased sexual functioning as a side-effect. Overall physical stamina may be adversely affected, and fatigue results. In addition, since HIV/AIDS has some association with sex, a PLWA may be less interested in sex because of some unresolved anger, guilt, or fear associated with sex. The risk of possibly infecting one's partner or being infected may significantly inhibit one's sexual desire or activity. Also, the visible sexual changes caused by the disease itself can result in a PLWA feeling less sexually attractive. Sexual incompatibility can develop between an ill- partner and a well-partner, with much frustration for both. These issues need to be identified and worked through with sensitivity on the part of both partners, and may require the assistance of a skilled counselor.
Couples dealing with HIV/AIDS experience intense emotions during the course of the disease. Feelings of anger, shock, sadness, and depression are common. Well-partners may be tempted into withholding negative emotions for fear of "stressing out" the ill-partner. However, the so-called negative emotions of fear, panic, hopelessness and helplessness are natural reactions to the disease. The psychological energy used in repressing these emotions may, in fact, be harmful to the immune system. These feelings, when honestly expressed and worked thorough, actually may empower partners to act and to change, resulting in reduced stress and a new level of intimacy. Again, communication is the key.
When one partner has the disease, it is as if both partners are ill. Couples go through many transitions which can further strengthen the bond between them but can also isolate them from the rest of the world. This can be especially true for the well-partner. Whereas the ill-partner may have excellent support and be the focus of much attention, the well-partner may be relegated to a supporting role, whose needs are overlooked or ignored. The medical needs of the ill-partner determine the nature of the relationship to a large extent. But the well- partner needs support too, and may well benefit from a support group with other well-partners.
As the disease progresses, partner relationships also change as small problems give way to larger ones. One's interests, priorities and even daily schedule may change. The relationship commonly grows deeper and more intimate with each crisis, but can also become tense and stressful at times. Initial denial about the ramifications of the disease may give way to intense and generalized anger. The anger may be directed at the disease itself and the government, but may also be misdirected at the medical establishment, various family members and friends, one's partner, or even God.
It is difficult to think clearly when one is angry. It is impossible to be a good caregiver when one is angry since love cannot flow from anger. Unresolved and misdirected anger can later be followed by intense emotional pain as both partners confront the future. The pressure builds and it becomes tempting to self-medicate the anger and depression with drugs and alcohol.
These feelings can be more deeply felt by HIV caregivers who may also be worried about their own health, which can easily become neglected, and the prospect of dealing with their own illness without their partners. The roller-coaster ride of emotions can be overwhelming at times. However, individual and joint counseling can be extremely helpful in navigating these rough emotional waters. Once again, communication is the key. Together with the hurdles are also the many rewards of a caregiving partnership, not the least of which is a deepening of the relationship. Partners most often become quite close as the highs, lows, and plateaus of the disease are dealt with. As caregivers more involved in the actual care, they start to feel more confident, gratified, and fulfilled in their role. They quickly realize what they do makes a tremendous difference in the lives of their partners. The increased intimacy sustains the relationship during more difficult times. The caregiving itself is seen as the ultimate gift. The time spent together becomes very important for both partners and indeed becomes quality time. Partners naturally do sometimes unpleasant things for each other that they never dreamed they would do for anyone. The long hours and many chores are done out of love.
Touching is a concrete way to express affection. In dealing with this disease, simple human touch becomes more important than ever. Simply holding hands can be reassuring and comforting. A massage of the neck, shoulders, back, hands and feet is also much appreciated. Hands are capable of transmitting healing energy.
It is important for the well-partner who is the primary caregiver not to underestimate the difficulty of the caregiving role. Emotional preparation and adequate support are vital. The initial challenge can be quickly replaced by feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, with too much being asked too often, too soon. It may feel at times as if the life of the well-partner is being sacrificed to enhance the life of the ill-partner, who in turn feels guilty and even more depressed. In addition to counseling and a support group, the following suggestions may be helpful for the caregiving partner:
* Deal with only one problem at a time.
* Delegate as much of the work as possible to others, leaving for yourself only those tasks which cannot be done by others.
* Talk about your feelings in an honest but sensitive manner with your partner.
* Ask your partner to prioritize any needs or requests, realizing that you cannot do everything.
* Take sufficient time out to physically leave for periods of time and to take care of your own needs.
* Actively solicit the help of family and friends.
* Start a regular exercise program which can serve as both a physical an emotional release.
* Be easier on yourself, remembering that you are not omnipotent.
* Keep the lines of communication open as much as possible.
Finally, it is important that in our compassion for our partner, we also develop a certain detachment. We are not responsible for the other person's feelings or behavior. We are not responsible for the outcome, but only the input. Love has its limits, since even love cannot cure this disease. Yet given the nature of human emotions and the nature of this disease, such detachment is very difficult at best. Only our spirituality can sustain us through difficult times and "allow us to boldly go where no man (apparently) has gone before."
(This article by Mike Tyoran, LCSW, is reprinted from the March 1995 issue of Long Beach Being Alive Newsletter.)
I was so much in love with my first partner more than 20 years ago we overcame all obstacles. When aids took his spirit from us, I lost the ability to love myself. Without that I could not love another, no matter how much I wanted to. It took years to look at myself in the mirror as a being worthy of love. Now I can love again, I know it.
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