I was sitting one day having coffee with my 2nd wife's mother "Ms Roslyn", who had flown down from Chicago to visit when Bonni went into the hospital with her 1st AIDS defining illness. "Ms Roslyn" was one of those type of women who always dressed their Sunday best whenever going out anywhere - who spent more time planning on what to wear and dressing up than the time actually spent in the grocery store. Didn't matter where she was going, what mattered was that she looked her best. Ms Roslyn and I never had much to say to each other during the first year or so that Bonni and I were together. She would call down to Austin to speak with her daughter once, sometimes twice a month and it seemed as if she had some sort of hidden instinct to always call whenever I was on the telephone with someone else - back in those days we only had call waiting without caller ID showing while on the phone. She was always polite in asking, "Can I speak with my daughter please?" It took her about 6 months to ask the other question "How are you doing?" and she never acknowledged me by name when asking. Bonni told me up front when we decided to live together in common law not to ever expect her mother to get close or welcome me as a member of her family and not to even try to go there with her mother - she would always be polite but as Bonni said " she'll look right through you as if you don't exist but will still speak Nicely."

So when Bonni went into the hospital I had the task of making that call to Ms. Roslyn. It wasn't
difficult but I was nervous just the same. The call was short, and the only questions asked were "what hospital and room number is my daughter in?" I told her that Bonni was going to be OK, not to worry and started to give her the telephone number when she said, “I can get the number, Thank you."

So a few days later while I was visiting Bonni in her hospital room in the door walked Ms Roslyn.
She had decided to come down to Austin without telling either Bonni or me. Bonni later told me
that's how her mother was, always showing up unexpectedly. I jumped out of the chair and asked Ms Roslyn how she was and her only reply was "I'm here to visit with my daughter, I'm fine thank you."

I took the hint and excused myself as Ms Roslyn told me that I didn't have to leave. I told them I was going to go get some coffee and lunch in the hospital cafeteria and would come back up later before I left. Out the door I went feeling like most people who sense they're not welcomed and feel badly from being rejected. I got my lunch and ate slower than I normally do, not wanting to finish too soon so that they would have some private time together. As I sat there eating I first thought about how much time they should have together - maybe an hour or so and then I contemplated the notion of just going back home and calling Bonni to let her know that I would come back later - maybe she and her mother needed to have a lot of time together. But then I thought, "well that isn't the right thing to do, Bonni and I are married and why should I do that?" After all, we were two adults and had our parameters and rights - it wasn't our fault that Ms Roslyn was set in her ways. But then I didn't want it to be perceived that I was pushing anything either and probably should be respectful of Ms. Rosalyn’s feelings and because of who she was and her age.

I was deeply entrenched in my thoughts and emotions trying to make some sort of decision what to do when the chair across the table was pulled out. Didn't even see her coming and Ms Roslyn sat down across from me - there she sat with those dark eyes staring into my face. She asked me how I was doing and if I was OK. We chatted for a few more minutes exchanging cordial greetings as she reached into her tote bag and pulled out a small foil wrapped package. "I baked these for you - you can take them home and eat them later." I was shocked as I opened the package - chocolate brownies with walnuts in them! Here was this woman who had kept herself distanced from me and now she was sitting before me, not just being nice & polite but giving me something I had a weakness for!

I started eating those brownies as she spoke about her daughter, how much she loved Bonni and she shared with me some very pleasant memories between the two of them. I noticed while she was sharing and talking there never seemed to be any emotional tones in her voice - she spoke in one of those "flat voices" - but there was no doubt in my mind that she didn't have feelings. Ms Roslyn shared with me that she never approved of her daughter's lifestyle and the men she lived with and that had she stuck with her "own kind" she wouldn't be where she was today. Ms Roslyn felt Bonni should have married a good African American Christian and that she did not approve of inter-racial marriages. Nor did she approve of people living together without being married in God's eyes. She told me that she didn't blame me for anything that had happened to Bonni since she was already "that way" when we met and made a decision to live together.

Ms Roslyn told me her minister had said that AIDS was God's punishment to homosexuals and others living in carnal sin. She shared more of what was on her mind while I continued to eat those brownies that were carefully packed and arranged so that they would not break. It was obvious to me Ms Roslyn had wanted to talk to someone about how she really felt even though her words were cleverly thought out beforehand and thickly disguised to not show some of her deeper feelings. I continued listening with the occasional nod or "uh huh" responses while harnessing myself from doing what I am well known for, speaking out and voicing my opinion. I just couldn't do that to Ms Roslyn out of respect, after all she was set in her ways and it doesn't matter what you say to anyone like that they aren't going to budge!

But then Ms Roslyn pulled the trigger - "I told my daughter up there that she now has to live with God's punishment of AIDS for all this sinning she has done."

I almost choked as I blurted out "You came all the way down from Chicago to tell her that! Why didn't you just call her?" As sudden as it came out there was a sudden silence between us both. Ms Rosalyn’s composure remained the same but I'm sure mine was changed. We stayed quiet for a few minutes and I felt as if Ms Roslyn was sizing me up a bit. She said nothing as if politely waiting for me to go on and say something more - that I did.

I started by saying, "Is it God's punishment to newborn babies born with disease and deformities?
What was God punishing African American people for when they were held into slavery? Is sickle cell God's punishment for something African American people did?"

She calmly replied back "Well, that's different. My minister said to us that God probably created
mistakes and kicked Satan into hell when He realized he made that mistake."

I went off on what is known as the "Dingo rant", telling her how I grew up in a very violent family, how I watched my mother being hit with razor straps and motorcycle chains across the legs by a stepfather who drank moonshine and preached fire and brimstone on Sunday mornings in the storage barn of my grandmother's general store, how he molested me at a very early age and when I caught him doing it to his daughter years later. I shared with her how I had felt for many years about this "God" who put good people into bad situations and caused much suffering and that somehow I could not bring myself to believe that any God who supposedly created everything could be a God of disease and damnation. I could not subscribe to that Christian God with all the contradictions and I questioned for years that if God could create everything that was created why that God failed to create the perfect non-sinning human being. If it was such a sin to be bisexual or homosexual why didn't that God just uncreate those type of people? Why would that “God” punish something he made and loved?

Why did that God make me to begin with? Why did he waste his time even going there? Like some people out there I started the on again off again search for the “meaning and what is God” wanting to know those answers. I wasn't being punished for anything! I told her how I had been discriminated against as a child growing up with hillbilly bikers. In school we were considered "white trash" from down in the hollow - local townspeople feared us without cause or harm being done, there were always hushed tones among many of my high school classmates whenever I approached others in the school hallway or when we went to the Whip-In Ice Cream Shack on the outskirts of Portsmouth. I shared with Ms Roslyn how prejudiced my former family was - they too didn't feel African Americans and whites should
marry let alone socially mix with each other yet my family sold morphine and moonshine to African Americans over in Ohio and when it came down to making money off African Americans it too "was different." I left Kentucky and when leaving I left them behind, going to California because I had heard it was all different out there only to discover that many I had met seemed to be not prejudiced but when I dated my first African American girlfriend in California some of those same liberal people had a whole different attitude.

Many thought I was doing it because "it was the in thing to do!" but I actually saw something entirely different in that woman - the same thing I saw in her daughter - a woman that made me laugh and a woman that I loved not because of her skin color but who she was. I was attracted to both those women of color because of their laughter and they also looked great! Women who made me feel wanted and loved and made me feel good about myself. Not because I had heard "African American pussy was better" or that "African American is beautiful". I've never slept or rejected someone because of their skin color - hell, if I had I would have passed many great memories and learning experiences. I often wondered what "God" would be to some people if there was never any mention of "Satan” or worse yet "Satan" never existed and back then I didn't even entertain the thoughts of whether or not one could exist with the other- I know believe in the "duality" of good and bad and the duality nature of men and women. I went on with a bit more before finally realizing that I was picking the brownie crumbs off the foil - they were gone! I had nervously consumed what must have been two pounds of brownies on top of a heavy lunch while speaking my mind to someone who had never given me her time.

Ms Roslyn was still sitting there looking past me it seemed when I ended my conversation with "I'm sorry I did not mean to disrespect you and hope that I didn't offended you. It's just that I feel my "God" created me in "his" image of "Me" and who he thought I was - not to please other people but "Himself." My God does not create mistakes."

"You didn't offend or disrespect me at all," she calmly said. "You dis-respected God and will have to answer to God one day like my daughter is doing now."

We sat there a few minutes in silence then got up and went back to visit with Bonni in her room, talking about how hot it was in Austin and how other chit chat on our way through the halls and in the elevator. I left the room after a few minutes, stunned by the conversation we had had in the cafeteria. Ms Roslyn stayed in Austin for two days and before she left Bonni told me that her mother wanted to see me at the hospital before going back to Chicago. I went to visit the last day Ms Roslyn while she was in visiting with Bonni at the hospital room. The three of us chatted; Ms Roslyn kissed Bonni on the forehead and asked if I would escort her down the elevator to the front entrance of the hospital. We got down into the lobby and someone called her a cab.

While waiting there for the cab to show, Ms Roslyn looked me up and down. She cracked a smile and said to me "I understand now." Then she put her arms around me giving me a hug. I sighed! As she was hugging me I could feel so much warmth coming from her.

She whispered to me in my ear, "I'm so sorry you were a victim - now I really do understand."

"Here we go again," I thought, "A victim!” as she continued hugging me, squeezing those thin arms around me like a vice grip. No, I wasn't going to go there again. All I said to her in that embrace was "Thank You!"Just maybe there's hope for Ms Rosalyn’s thinking yet!